Why Creativity Works

    Ever wonder about art therapy, or why a client-- teenager or not-- might draw or paint in a counseling session? Curious as to how expressive methods are useful in therapy? For many people, their memories of creativity in school are also coupled with embarrassment and even shame. In elementary school, we start to notice other’s work. We begin to compare our art to theirs. Perhaps we notice their creations reach our ideal more then our own work. As classmates meet art goals we do not, it is not uncommon for us to shut down our creativity. Negative self talk becomes “I’m not creative” or “My brain doesn’t work that way.” Unfortunately, some art teachers can exacerbate these inferiority beliefs through criticism and even ridicule.

   In my work with teenagers, some will flatly refuse to engage in creative work “I’m not good at it.” they tell me. Anxiety can even spike when people are put in a situation where creativity is required. The problem is creativity is a gift people can use not only to express themselves but to help their brain process emotional pain more easily. When we shut down our creative side, we lose an important tool to help ourselves.

    In the past few months I have been pleasantly surprised at how much recent research supports creative expression in both working through difficulties and living whole heartedly. Dr. Eliana Gil, an author of child therapy books, speaker, and counselor for 40+ years, explained how creative work incorporates a different part of our brain than the part where we think about problems or trauma. When we incorporate creativity into our lives, it allows our brains to process these issues more fully. She even encouraged counselors to self care by engaging in expressive art forms to better process their difficult cases at the end of their day. 

    Another popular writer, research, and speaker, Brene Brown, insists one of the key practices of living life fully is regularly engaging in creative works. She writes that internal and external shaming often keeps us from digging in to spending time on artistic endeavors. To fully embrace creativity we have to put away our tendency to compare and judge but practice self acceptance. Brene also warns “Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame.”  What holds us back from accessing our creative side does more harm than good. Abiding by our fear of failing only hurts ourselves.

    Even if the idea of creativity creates a nervous eye twitch, slowly moving towards creativity not only helps ourselves but models it for our teenagers. Let us get young people involved in utilizing this wonderful gift to help them cope with life's many challenges. Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Identify what you can do for hours on end and lose track of time (no, not TV)—reading, writing, decorating, experiment with baking/cooking, gardening, dancing, editing photo, crafting, playing games with the family, swimming, drawing, painting. (note: play is the sister to creativity)
2. Schedule time in your calendar to regularly engage in these identified activities.
3. Scientific American recommends going new places, eating new foods, listening to new music, and meeting people that are different than us boosts our ability to be creative.

Developing Healthy Family Rules: Trust Part 3

Most researchers of human interactions agree trust is the essence of all healthy relationships. One mistake families unintentionally pass on to their children is the belief that people aren’t trust worthy. “If you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.” Lack of follow through and bringing up past mistakes are the two most common ways families corrode trust. Here are some examples, the concerns, and how to rebuild the trust:

1.)    Dad promised to be at his son’s sporting event but gets caught up at work and doesn’t make it. This is not the first time it has happened.

·         Concerns: Son learns Dad’s pattern of behavior of promising and not following through. He also learns Dad values his work more than his commitment to his son. He learns not to trust Dad’s promises. As he grows older, he may continue this pattern with his own relationships.

·         Solution: Dad apologizes to his son, recognizes his wrong doing, stops making promises he can’t keep, and makes sure he is at the games he says he will be at. Son learns he can trust Dad to do what he says. Son learns it is important to keep promises.

2.)    Mom tells her daughter she is going to get her a new kitten when her grades improve but after the grades improve, she doesn’t get the kitten. When the daughter brings it up, Mom excuses the lack of follow through by blaming her for not cleaning her room.

·         Concerns: By Mom not remembering the kitten on her own, she undermines her own motivational strategy.  By refusing to follow through she has sealed shut motivating her daughter in the future. Her daughter learns mom will say anything to get her to do what she wants and probably won’t follow through. Further, it isn’t even worth talking to her about it because Mom will turn around and blame her. Daughter learns it is ok to misled Mom as Mom has mislead her.

·         Solution: Make no statements you are not fully prepared to follow through on. Follow through on all consequences positive or negative in a timely fashion with no undisclosed strings attached. Daughter learns to trust what mom says and works to keep her word with her mother.

3.)     Parents ground their teenager for three days but “forgets” after one day.

·         Concerns: The teenager learns (and counts on) parent forgetting decided consequences. They may take advantage of it. He/she may expect other authority figures to do the same rather than hold them accountable. The teenager also learns parents won’t follow through with what they say.

·         Solution: Only say what you are willing to do. If a one day consequences is what can be held to, then only say one day. If three days have been decided, figure out ways to remember to hold them to it for three days. This way, the teen learns to trust parents even if he doesn’t like what they are saying.

4.)    Family is in the middle of an argument over chores and parent brings up past mistakes/failures that have nothing to do with the current discussion.

·         Concerns: The teenager learns no mistake is really forgiven and resolved but can be used against him/her at any time. She/he learns it is better no one knows about their own mistakes because others can’t be trusted to be safe with the mistake/failure.

·         Solution: Parents stay on topic to the discussion at hand. If unresolved issues come up, save for a better time to discuss. Try to resolve issues as quickly as possible rather than dragging them on for days, weeks, or even longer. Parents work at full forgiveness and moving on once the issue has been resolved.

Trust is the foundation for all healthy relationships. If we can’t trust our own families, it makes it a lot harder to trust others. Trust takes so much time to build and can be broken in an instant. All parents make mistakes but it is never to late to work at improving. Mental illness, trauma, and substance use are common perpetrators of distrust in families for a variety of reasons. It takes awareness, intention, time, and hard work to build trust within the family. Instilling trust in your family is a great gift. It allows the next generation to live life more wholeheartedly without shame, it improves their ability to connect with people at work, and have lasting intimate relationships. See a professional family therapist to facilitate the process more quickly.

Develop Healthy Family Rules: Encouraging Emotions Part 2

Fostering an environment allowing any emotion (not behavior) creates healthy families. Unfortunately, many times families have an unspoken rule that emotions are not valid OR certain feelings are not acceptable. Being too sad, mad, or even "too happy" is discouraged as dramatic or unimportant. "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps." "Stop crying." "Suck it up." are common expressions perpetuating these myths. Other times only a select emotion is allowed, such as anger. While other feelings are dismissed or invalidated, anger expressions are given free reign. Occasionally, families can develop roles giving only certain family members permission to express a feeling. Traditionally, girls can cry and be sad more and boys can get angry more. Or, perhaps only one family member can express intense emotions. When alcoholism, substance abuse, or mental illness seeps into the family tree, the maladaptive coping skill, suppressed emotion, can influence the generations of families.

When we do not allow our children and teenagers to own their own emotions, we teach them danger in being vulnerable in relationships. A young lady once told me every time she cried her father became angry and walked out of the room. The vulnerability of crying was rejected in what could have been a close relationship between daughter and father. This breaks down family relationships. Researcher Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous." Healthier families vulnerably share feelings knowing they will be heard in safety and support. Each family member has a right to their own feeling regardless. This doesn’t mean all behaviors are permissible. This also does not mean all negative emotions must be ‘fixed’ or rescued. Part of a healthy emotional family is the respect and personal ownership of feelings. For example:

Sister is very upset she can't go to her friend's house. She is crying and arguing. Parents can listen and validate her emotion ("That makes sense you are disappointed you can't go to your friend's home.") and still set limits ("Nevertheless, this is the decision made. If there is going to be continued arguing, you will need to go to your room. "). Offering a consolation hug can let her know her sadness is recognized. Stopping the arguing lets her know the behavior is unacceptable. 

Are each of your family members allowed to have their own feelings?

Is anger one of the only acceptable emotions in the house?   

Young people keep their feelings to themselves because they fear grownups will:
a.) ignore them
b.) diminish or respond sarcastically
c.) become more upset than the person sharing
d.) become angry. Almost daily, I hear from families that they cannot communicate feelings out of protection- either for themselves or for others.

To facilitate healthier communication families must be able to share emotions safely. It takes vulnerability to share emotions freely. This not a skill we are born with and may not have learned growing up. Sometimes the only safe place initially, is a counselors office, having a 3^rd party mediate. It is a practiced skill that can be developed. If you are having difficulty identifying feelings, use this chart below to fine tune your own emotional sense. Once you are able to identify your own feelings better, you will be able to help other family members with this as well.

I’m Feeling…                                                                                                 Note: Some feelings overlap.

Happy	Misc	Stressed	Scared	Mad	Sad
Alive Appreciative Awed Blessed Blissful Calm Capable Cheerful Confident Content Delighted Eager Elated Empowered Enchanted Energetic Enthusiastic Excited Flirty Free Fulfilled Full Glad Grateful Gratified High Honored Hopeful Important In Love Infatuated Inspired Joy Justified Loved Loving Lucky Marvelous Optimistic Overjoyed Peaceful Pleased Proud Refreshed Relaxed Relieved Resolved Respected Safe Satisfied Secure Silly Thrilled Tranquil Twitterpated  Validated Valued Wanted Wonderful Zany	Achy Ambivalent Apathetic Attached Avoidant Bored Bold Brave Bubbly Cold Curious Determined Distant Exhausted Fascinated Green Haunted Hot Humble Hungry Hypocritical Impatient Impressed Interested Lethargic Mischievous Nauseated Meek Numb Robotic Sexy Shocked Sick Stifled Stubborn Surprised Tickled Pink Uncomfortable Weary Whiny Zoned Out	Agitated Anxious Apprehensive Awkward Bashful Bulldozed Cautious Conspicuous Flustered Frenzied Nervous Paranoid Self-conscious Shaky Sheepish Shy Smothered Startled Swamped Tense Timid Uneasy Wary Worried Confused Baffled Deceived Disorganized Distracted Divided Doubtful Foggy Indecisive Misled Out of it Overwhelmed Perplexed Preoccupied Skeptical Torn Uncertain	Afraid Alarmed Arrested Betrayed Desperate Dominated Doomed Dread Fearful Frightened Guarded Guilty  Hesitant Horror Inept Inferior Insecure Intimidated Isolated Panic Paralyzed Petrified Powerless Reluctant Reserved Sabotaged Shaken Suspicious Terrified Threatened Tormented Trapped Vulnerable Withdrawn	Angry Annoyed        Appalled Argumentative Belittled Bitter Cheated Coerced Controlled Crabby Cranky Criticized Defensive Disgusted Disrespected Enraged Exasperated Frustrated Fuming Furious Grouchy Grumpy Harassed Hostile Incensed Indignant Infuriated Insulted Irked Irritated Jealous Judged Miffed Obnoxious Offended Outraged Patronized Peeved Pissed Provoked Rage Rebellious Resentful Scorn Seething Sulky Sullen Ticked Upset Used	Abandoned Agonized Alienated Ashamed Blue Broken Bummed Burdened Condemned Contrite Crushed Dead Defeated Dejected Depressed Deprived Deserted Despair Devastated Diminished Disappointed Discouraged Discriminated Disillusioned Dismal Distraught Distressed Disturbed Drained Embarrassed Empty Gloomy Grief Helpless Hopeless Humiliated Hurt Ignored Lifeless Lonely Lost Melancholy Miserable Misunderstood Moody Morose Mournful Pathetic Pessimistic Pity Regret Rejected Shame Slighted Solemn Sorrow Stuck Tearful Unloved Unwanted Victimized

Develop Healthy Family Rules: Talking Part 1

All families have rules. Some rules are spoken or written down, some are unspoken. Perhaps "Be respectful" is on the list of rules posted. "Don't talk to Mom before she's has her cup of coffee in the morning." is a rule everyone may know without having to say it aloud. Rules of families, whether spoken or unspoken, are for the safety of everyone in the home. Sometimes rules are to help family members cope with challenges.

One unspoken rules many families develop to survive is silence. In many families talking about problems, feelings, and dreams are not allowed. Talking becomes against the rules in order to keep the peace. One woman told me if she didn't talk about the problems, they didn't exist. This type of pretense glosses over issues that will otherwise continue to fester until resolved. Over time this rule can be passed down from generation to generation like a genetic disease. Sometimes alcoholism, substance abuse, or mental illness influences the development of this damaging trait. Long term, this maladaptive coping skill negatively effects emotional and relational growth.  

Is your family allowed to talk about problems, emotions, dreams, and passions? Do the adults in the family encourage open communication without negative emotional repercussions? To be clear, this is a separate topic from holding teenagers responsible for their behaviors. Of course, there need to be consequences for behaviors. But, is there room in the family to discuss almost anything? Do we try to protect certain people by not mentioning certain topics? Do we find ourselves blaming the speaker when the receiver becomes angry or upset? 

Talking about challenges and problems is the way people work through them rather than getting stuck. Fred Roger's from PBS's Mr. Roger's Neighborhood once said "When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary." The opposite is also true. When we cannot talk about our feelings they become more overwhelming, upsetting and scary. The idea filters to teens that their emotions need to be kept to themselves because the grownups may do one of the following:

1.) Ignore or dismiss feelings expressed. One young lady told me every time she cried, her father walked out of the room. 

2.) Respond sarcastically. Sarcasm can shut down productive conversation quickly. 

3.) Cry and become upset. If the teen has to comfort the parent, why even tell them? The lack of communication stems from a need to protect another family member. 

4.) Become angry. Statements like "I've raised you better than this." or "How could you do this to me?" discourage any open communication. 

To facilitate healthier communication, families must be able to share emotions and thoughts safely. This not a skill we are born with and may not have learned growing up. Initially, the only safe place may be a counselor's office. It can be helpful to have a 3^rd party mediating if discussions become too heated at home. If teens are told they can talk about anything, parents have the responsibility to stay calm in the face of challenging revelations. Nobody ever said it would be easy. If you have trouble staying calm, seek help and support. 

Helping Teenagers Find Solutions

One of the pieces of counseling teenagers is problem solving. Teenagers struggle with many life problems from handling peer conflict to coping with a mentally ill parent. If adults rush to fix the issue, not only do we rob the teenager of the opportunity to find their own answer, we can lose their investment in the solution process.  A good counselor’s goal is to work their way out of a job by teaching clients skills. Counselors teach teenagers how to find solutions to their problems on their own. 

One tool used is the decision making tree (coming from the DBT model of counseling). In this form of counseling, all problems have four possible solutions:

1.)    Fix it-- What can be done to make this issue better?  How can the outcome be influenced? This may include consulting with trusted people, utilizing assertive communication, and making necessary changes to behavior. For example, a client is struggling with fatigue. Improving sleep hygiene, utilizing calming strategies, and even working with a doctor or sleep clinic are all attempts to "fix" the situation. 

2.)    Change how you feel about it--changing our feelings can be tricky but effective. For example, a client gets upset whenever they are yelled at by a parent resulting in worthlessness, depression, and self harm. Changing feelings may include retraining thoughts to put the responsibility of yelling back on the parent rather than self blaming. The client can also practice skills to lower interpersonal reactivity. 

3.)    Radically accept-- Have you ever gone to an unavoidable lecture with lowered expectations only to be pleasantly surprised afterward  it didn't bother you as much as you expected? Accepting a situation fully, minimizes distress. If clients are able to radically accept a difficult life circumstance, they get through it much easier. Trying to change what we have no control over leads to increased frustration, anxiety, and depression 

4.)    Stay miserable-- While this may not seem like an option, many times clients can choose to stay miserable. Often times clients aren't motivated enough to use one of the previous three solutions. There is something to be said for comfortable misery and it is a choice to stay there. 

Helping teenagers utilize these tools empowers them to sort out their own problems. Practice these skills in your own life as a role model and you empower their futures. These skills are not innate but need to be taught and practiced regularly.