The Internet Savvy Family Part II: Sexting

Picture this: A middle school girl's slumber party playing Truth or Dare. In the midst of giggling, Rachel removes her top and Monica snaps a picture sending it to Phoebe who forwards it to her boyfriend. Or here is another scenario, 14 year old Jenny has been talking online to Ross, teenage boy from Beaverton. Jenny is lonely. She doesn't feel understood by her parents and is under a lot of pressure to get good grades and be on the Varsity volleyball team next year. Ross asks her to send him nude pictures of herself. Jenny knows it is not a good idea but she doesn't want to lose Ross in her life. She's afraid if she tells him 'no' he won't talk to her again. If that happens, she would lose one of the only people in her life who has time and positive words for her. Jenny doesn't think she can handle that so she sends him the pictures.

Charges of "distribution of child pornography" or "possession of child pornography" come into play quickly if either of the above mentioned stories come to light. There have even been cases school staff have been charged as they investigated their students actions. The word "sexting" has only been around since 2005 and the court system has not yet caught up to properly handle teen's sexting. An impulsive bad decision can have a lifetime of consequences. 'Sexter's' run the risk of being added to neighborhood list of sex offenders. The label never goes away.

Sexting includes sending sexually explicit text's and/or images (i.e. nudity or genitalia) generally via mobile phones. If you know a sexually active teenager, chances are they have been tempted to engage in sexting. Its a form of foreplay having much bigger consequences than anyone considered. Now, I have your attention, here is the good news: The latest research says sexting is not as prevalent as once feared and court systems are trying to be more understanding, looking at the situations in context. Studies are all over the place in regards to exactly how prevalent is this problem. One I read today said only 2.5 percent of American teens (12-17years old) have engage in sexting. Last month it was 13% (same age group). In 2008, one study said 20%. Regardless of the prevalence, it is a serious issue to discuss with teens to make sure they know how to keep themselves safe..


How to talk about sexting with the teenagers in your life:

1.) Define sexting with them: sexually explicit text's or/and images including nudity or sexual parts of the body.
2.) Make sure they are aware of the possible legal ramifications for sexting.
3.) What do you want the teen to do if someone sends them a "sext"? 

My recommendation would be to delete it. Holding on to it puts the owner at risk.

4.) Talk with your teens about password protection on their phone so someone else can't abuse their phone putting the teen in compromising situation (but make sure you know their password).

If you have concerns about a teen you know sexting, consider referring to a mental health professional. There have been links between sexting and psychological issues (i.e. impulsivity, loneliness, etc...). If this is something your teenager struggles with, make sure you hold them regularly accountable for their actions by randomly reviewing texts and pictures. For further questions regarding sexting, contact me at heartprints@kristalmathis.com.

Have a safe Christmas!


Recent Study Article
US Today Article

The Internet Savvy Family Part 1: Cyberbullying

Cyberbully (or cyberharrassment) is one of the terms that our parents stare at blankly in confusion. And yet cyberbullying profoundly affects Gen Z (13-18). Cyberspace has given an entire new avenue for young people to demean, tease, and belittle their peers. As a clinician, cyber related issues are a common problem because of a.) impulsivity b.) low self-esteem and/or c.) loneliness. By the time an adult finds out a teen they know is a cyberbully, the damage has already been done.

Cyberbullies are invisible. The Internet is their shield of invisibility. For many teens this is empowering. They can say via text, chat, email, Facebook, Twitter things they would never dream of saying face to face. One of my 12 year old girls was confronted by the principal of her school for some bullying comments she had made to a classmate over Facebook. When they printed out her chat in black and white, her eyebrows raised and eyes widened. She pointed to the comment her user name had written. "I said that?" she asked. The principal nodded. She was quick to apologize. She told me later "[What I wrote] was so mean. I was surprised I had said that." The principal made it clear if further issues of this nature were repeated, he would be calling the police for her to be considered for charges of harassment. I am happy to say a year later, it has not been a problem. In her case, she was scared enough of what she was capable of typing and the long-term consequences to work at making better choices. Cyberbullying isn't just mean its illegal in Washington.

Prevent Cyberbullying
1.) Regularly check the computer history. Start once a month, going to more frequent if their are concerns and less frequent if your teenager proves to be a responsible Internet user. Facebook now makes it easy to view chat's. Require other chat conversations to be saved and review them randomly.
2.) Obtain all the passwords and user names for all Internet accounts. If you don't have access to their Youtube, Facebook, Twitter accounts etc.., they shouldn't have phones or access to the Internet. No accountability, no access. This doesn't mean you will be checking it all the time but knowing that there is a chance you might check it helps teenagers curb impulsive decisians.
3.) Have parental guards in place on the computers. Check the computer to see what parental controls you want to have in place. See below for additional safeguarding software support.
4.) Talk with your kids about the importance their words carry. Name calling, implying promiscuity, racial teasing have no place in conversations Internet or otherwise. Its not glamorous as portrayed in TV shows like Gossip Girl. Words can hurt beyond any amount of physical pain and their wounds can last much longer than bruises. When users type anything online, they are sending if for everyone to see, use, or misuse. If teenagers are supposed to be responsible with the Internet, parents have to show them how to use it by example and open communication.

5.) Review texts on your teen's phone. Yes, the teens can delete texts, however, phone companies will let you know how many texts were sent or received. As long as the number's match what is on the phone, you know if some are missing. This task can seem daunting as the average teen sends or receives 3,364 messages a month says a recent study. But, if trust is built up, fewer reviews are required. 

6.) Know the codes. BRB, POMS, LOL. Sound familiar? While many are innocent abbreviations, others are not. For example, POMS = Parents Over My Shoulder.If you find one you are not familiar with on your teen's phone, look it up online. See below for further text code definitions. 

Let me be clear. I am not saying to run to your teens, check their phones, and watch over their shoulder's daily. Even if this was possible, it teaches them nothing (except maybe to avoid you). The checking up is built on trust. If parents are close with their teens, the teens are doing well academically, in relationships, accountability is minimal --especially if you can see there interactions are safe. Only when trust is broken,  (i.e. inappropriate texts, harassing comments, "mean girl" behavior, etc...), is more supervision required. Banning them from it altogether doesn't fix the problem although with habitual Internet abuses, I do support this method temporarily. Using the Internet is a privilege, not a right.

The point is safety. Movies, shows, and music often portray devastating results due to a cyberbully. If a teen has a suicide attempt even in part due to a cyberbully, we have failed them both. Everyone makes their own choices but as parents, we take partial responsibility to something that can be prevented. You are not in this alone. The harder it is to be a teenager, the harder it is to be a parent of a teenager.

Resources for text translations
www.netlingo.com
www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp
www.innocentenglish.com


Resources for parental guards on the computer
www.kidswatch.com
www.gomcgruff.com

5 Guidelines Teens (And Their Parents) Should Know About Counseling

Rather than picking a mental health issue this month, I’d like to shift to a "back to basics" concept today: the basics of the counseling world. It’s easy for counselors like myself to forget that people new to the counseling experience might not be familiar with basic, but important guidelines, like how to determine if a counselor is a good fit, what practices will bring about the best results, and who all should be involved. I consistently get asked the same questions:

Mom: "Will you tell me if my daughter tells you she kissed a

         boy?"

Teenager: "How much do my Mom and Dad need to know?"

Dad: "How can I know how to help my teenager when they are

         seeing you alone?"

Mom: "You are not just sitting there talking but working on her

         issues, right?"

 Here are some pointers that teens (and their parents) should know about counseling.

The First Appointment

 In scheduling the first appointment people are often nervous because they don't know what to expect. While each clinician will have their own style, there are foundational guidelines every family of teenagers should know to ensure their counseling experience is successful.

1.) The teen must like and trust the counselor. Clients must like their counselor. Research says the number one indicator of positive outcome in counseling is the strength of the relationship between the client and the counselor. This doesn't mean the counselor won't say something upsetting at one point, but rather that the teen enjoys ‘their person’ overall. Let teens be a part of the selection process by interviewing, checking out websites, and asking what is important in a counselor (i.e. qualities like a sense of humor, gender, age). Giving them choices helps them invest personally in the process. Just as in any field, some personalities ‘click’ more than others.

It’s also helpful if parents like the counselor, since they too are trusting their teen in the hands of an influential adult. This may be one of the reasons the counselor spends more time 'just talking' with your teen than you would choose. It takes time to develop trust. 

 2.) Be frank for best results. Teenager Lauren once asked me "Why are counselor's so nosy?" We only ask so much because the more information we have, the more we are able to help. Just like telling the doctor all your symptoms for diagnosis and medication, counselors need to know what life has been like for you and your current situation. If you don't want to answer a question though, let the counselor know. If you disagree with a statement, don't nod your head and agree- tell them. If you're confused, ask for clarification. Being frank and honest makes counseling more effective.

3.) Pay attention to your body. Sydney's stomach hurt whenever the subject of her trauma came up. Logan gets headaches when we talk about his dad. Sophia's heart races when she feels stressed. A physical response can even happen in anticipation to a session. Counselors are not mind/body readers but they do want to know what is going on. Tell the counselor what is happening physically and if you need a break. This is not a sign of weakness. Our bodies can recognize before our head what we are feeling. It is our job to pay attention to them and communicate.

4.) The more family involved the quicker change happens. This guideline only applies when all parties are willing participants. Research shows when teenagers are brought to therapy, family counseling over individual counseling is much more effective. It is so much easier to change when everyone in the household is trying too and being held accountable by one another. Think of a dieter trying to eat veggies when the family is chowing down on milkshakes, burgers, and fries- it’s so much harder to change. Unfortunately, many teens will only agree to attend counseling if they have one on one sessions with a counselor and their parents don't know all the details of a session. While this is their prerogative (many times for good reason) it is not my first choice. Other times, one or both parents are unwilling to come in because they see the issue needing to be worked out by the teen alone. I suspect some parents are also fearful of being blamed if they attend, though blaming is not a therapeutic tactic used by most clinicians.

5.) Attendance frequency is up to you. Just like with exercise, the more often we are engaged, the quicker we are able to see the changes we want. Traditional counseling is done weekly. In some urgent crisis, I have agreed to do twice weekly -- once with the individual, and once with the whole family. This is not the norm though. Caregivers may be encouraged to come in without their teen in order to have a conversation that does not undermine parental authority or increase the teen's negative self-concept. Weekly sessions give time to implement changes and have feedback for the next session. Some families will attend every other week or even monthly. While clinicians can give their input, it is really up to the client. Weekly counseling can be too intense for some teens. Monthly counseling is good for maintenance of progress but often not enough if change is still needed. If finances are the reason for needing to cut back, discuss the options with counselor. They may be able to discount sessions or refer to clinicians that do.

Finally, if you are ever in doubt about anything in a session, ask. Counselors may assume you know something, so asking for clarification is critical. While you should never force anyone into counseling, this article on How To Motivate Your Teen To Attend/Engage in Counseling is a good resource for parents of teens initially resistant to counseling. Remember that in Washington State, once a minor turns 13 they have a right to refuse counseling and limit contact with parents unless it is an emergency.

For a full list of helpful counseling guidelines, look for them coming soon on the Heartprints website. If you have specific questions to counseling/counselors, comment, text, call, email and I will do my best to answer thoroughly.

Five Reasons Teens Self-Harm

I remember the first time I saw a cutter. In school we had been taught to observe our client’s appearance and check their wrists for scarring, scabs or burns. When I asked about the marks on her wrists, she showed them proudly. Multiple scars every which way in varying shades of healing. She let me know that she kept razors in her wallet, room, and mouth. My heart rate accelerated. Should I demand that she give me the razors in her possession now? What if she was lying? I couldn't search her. This was definitely a safety issue. Who do I tell?

I remember blinking in surprise when she denied wanting to die. Questioning her further, she laughed at my ignorance. "I'm not trying to kill myself. I just like keeping the razor in my mouth in case I need it."

Everyone has their first. She was mine. Almost 25% of teens admittedly engage in self-harm, so if you haven't had your first yet, it probably won’t be long. Any form of self-harm in one we care about is scary. It should be. As parents, teachers, doctors, and counselors, their safety is our number one concern.
            The most common question I get is: "Why do teenager hurt themselves on purpose? I don't understand that." Unfortunately there is no formula for why this behavior occurs. And though cutting may be the most well known form of self-harm, the behavior can also manifest in burning, embedding, biting or any intentional infliction of pain. There are a variety of reasons behind self-harm, and much of the time suicide has very little to do with the practice. However, there are trends and similarities found in the practice.  Here are a few common types of those who engage in self-harm.

The Hurt One
            The most common reason for cutting is to leave tangible evidence of emotional and psychological pain. As a seventeen year old girl once told me, "when I see the blood run down my arm, it makes me happy; it’s a pain I can see." They need something to represent the immense hurt and pain that they feel on the inside. ‘Doesn't it hurt?’, you ask. ‘Yes most of the time, but that's the point.’ The physical pain momentarily can mask the pain of the soul. Some claim that they don't feel the pain when they cut. The way they talk about it, it appears similar to a disassociative state where their ability to be fully present is compromised. They may feel it later but not during the trance of the ritual. Even if they don't feel it, seeing the self inflicted cuts leaves them gratified. The goal is to leave physical evidence of their hurt. While many in this category hide their scars in shame, others enjoy the attention the behavior brings. When loved ones show concern, it makes them feel special.

The Self-Punisher
             The thought process of the Self-Punisher is "I am bad and deserve to be punished." Low self-esteem and shame are large factors here. Peer bullying or a punitive parent can contribute to this way of thinking. Self-Punishers don’t generally care one way or the other if you know about the scars. Often times, less obvious self-harm tools are used, like biting or burns. Their self-harm is done in the spirit of self-loathing, typically after an event that reinforces their feelings of worthlessness.

The Controller
            Some people use self-harm as a means of calculated control. An example would be "if you make me go to school, I will cut myself!"  It is intentionally manipulative. One teen had a habit of locking herself in her room whenever she cut, intentionally arousing the concern of her parents. Even if she didn’t say anything, her parents knew if she was locked in her room she was cutting, and she consciously manipulated this concern. Parents are often frozen in fear as they don't want to see their child hurt themselves, but also know they can't give them everything they want because of threats. Because the teen will generally get what they want, acquiescing to their wishes is a positive reinforcement of the controlling behavior. However, parents must be extremely cautious on calling their child’s bluff; sometimes the controller will do what they have threatened even if it means their very life. Suicide attempts are a very real issue here. Threats of cutting can be a slippery slope to suicide attempts. Scars are not generally hidden by The Controlling self-harmer because they want people to see. It is especially crucial for parents to be involved in the counseling process with this type of self-harm.

The Angry One
            Revenge can be the motivation behind the self-harm of the Angry One. There are elements of hurt and control, but rage overwhelms them both. Parents and significant others are typically the intended target. In one situation, after an altercation with a family member, a girl carved 'I hate my life' into herself. She looked at me directly, her angry gaze meeting mine days after the event, saying “I knew that when he found out what I did, he would be mad. And there is nothing he could do about it." A small smile met her lips. It wasn't happiness but satisfaction. Others say that cutting calms their anger. The endorphins released after any painful experience can improve mood. The positive results (self satisfaction, anger from their intended target, sense of calm, etc) reinforce the behavior.

The Experimenter
            Of all types of self-harm, this one is the least dangerous. While there are always safety concerns when someone cuts which should be addressed seriously, this is the type of self-harm that stops the quickest. They don't continue because they weren't doing it for themselves. They don't get anything from the behavior. One 12 year old shrugged her shoulders when I asked her about the light scratches on her arm. "My friends cut so I thought I would try it. I didn't like it so I only did it that one time." She didn't show shame, but more just disinterest in the topic. It was like a "been there done that" attitude. With self-harm in popular teen movies, music, and media, many will get the idea from people they have never even met. The "emo" movement often gives a place of belonging to the cutters. Just like a preschooler playing the mommy, teens will ‘try on’ cutting. I will warn: it is crucial not to assume that someone practicing self-harm falls into this category. Parents especially tend to suppose their child is an experimenting cutter. Teens aren't always honest about self-harm. Any self-harm behavior requires professional consultation.
           

Research suggests that cutting has addictive qualities similar to scary movies, thrill rides, and sugar rushes- all which give endorphin rushes, which is why people return to them again and again. Other clinicians have suggested a correlation between abuse and cutting. While there is no research to back up this correlation, self-harm originates in pain, whose sources can range from horrific abuse, to the pain of a family divorce, to mild depression.

Parents sometimes make the mistake of disciplining the teens if they are caught in the act or after the fact. This encourages two unhealthy behaviors:
1) Secretive self-harm, thus closing of the honesty door between parents and their kids
2.) Alternate, equally harmful behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity, eating disorders etc..)
            Studies show that family counseling is the quickest way to change these behaviors. If family counseling isn’t an option, professional support of another type should be sought as soon as possible. If there are ever concerns about life threatening situations, call 911 or the local crisis number immediately (360-696-9560 for Clark County, WA).

Further Resources
www.intheknowzone.com
Girls and Boys Town National 24 hour hotline: 1-800-448-3000
Cutting by Stephen Levenkron
More questions? Post a question or contact me: 360-798-2058

Suicide Prevention-- Preparing for school in the most important way

It's that time to start gearing up for the 2011 school year. Are you ready? I'll be the first to admit that I don't want to see summer end. Here in the northwest, summer goes all too quickly. Only a few more weeks to jump into the river, sunbathe, and gorge on fresh berries. School can seem altogether too serious right now.

It is important that we prepare for the upcoming school year though, and not just by tending to needs like paper, pens, backpacks, and clothes that fit. Last year in Clark County was a difficult one, marked by a number of youth suicides. As parents, teachers, and other sources of support to adolescents, we can prepare to help teens face suicidal thoughts and feelings by 1) understanding the demographics behind suicide, 2) recognize the warning signs, and 3) know how to intervene if the situation warrants.

1.) The Hard Facts

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for young people 15-24

91 people commit suicide daily in the USA

Suicides increase in the Spring

Firearms are the leading cause of suicide

Males are 4x as likely to commit suicide

Females are 3x more likely to attempt suicide (If the last two facts are confusing, it translates into this: women make more attempts than men to commit suicide. However, men are more likely to succeed when attempting it.)

Everyone is at risk

2.) Warning Signs

Giving away their belongings, settling debts

Talking about death frequently

Threatening suicide (never ignore this!)

Hinting that it would be better if they weren't around or that they aren't in the future

Friends or family having committed suicide

Visiting/calling people to say goodbye

Not caring about anything

A sudden switch from being very sad to calm or happy

3.) Intervention

Ask directly if they are thinking of killing themselves

Actively listen (i.e "So what I hear you saying is....")

Get more info (i.e. "Have you felt like this before?" or "Have you talked with a counselor?")

Find out if they have a plan, time, place, access to a feasible plan

Do not passively reassure (i.e "Everything will be ok.") or agree to keep it a secret

Avoid arguing, judging their motivation, or leaving them alone

Get other supports involved

Call the 24/7 Clark County Crisis Line @ 1-800-626-8137

Contact trusted friends and family

In case of emergency, call 911

Seek professional help (i.e. counselors, doctors etc...)

Contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline @ 1-800-273-8255

By remembering these three important things as our teens get back into the school schedule, together we can work to help others continue to live life. In this, we can both intervene to prevent the loss of life, and avoid the often overwhelming guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, and grief felt by those left behind. We can offer hope, a place of safety, and a way to gain skills to create a better future.

For more information or opportunities for educational training on suicide prevention, check out the following websites by local organizations:

www.unite4life.com 

www.co.clark.wa.us/youth-family/suicide.html