Developing Healthy Family Rules: Trust Part 3

Most researchers of human interactions agree trust is the essence of all healthy relationships. One mistake families unintentionally pass on to their children is the belief that people aren’t trust worthy. “If you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.” Lack of follow through and bringing up past mistakes are the two most common ways families corrode trust. Here are some examples, the concerns, and how to rebuild the trust:

1.)    Dad promised to be at his son’s sporting event but gets caught up at work and doesn’t make it. This is not the first time it has happened.

·         Concerns: Son learns Dad’s pattern of behavior of promising and not following through. He also learns Dad values his work more than his commitment to his son. He learns not to trust Dad’s promises. As he grows older, he may continue this pattern with his own relationships.

·         Solution: Dad apologizes to his son, recognizes his wrong doing, stops making promises he can’t keep, and makes sure he is at the games he says he will be at. Son learns he can trust Dad to do what he says. Son learns it is important to keep promises.

2.)    Mom tells her daughter she is going to get her a new kitten when her grades improve but after the grades improve, she doesn’t get the kitten. When the daughter brings it up, Mom excuses the lack of follow through by blaming her for not cleaning her room.

·         Concerns: By Mom not remembering the kitten on her own, she undermines her own motivational strategy.  By refusing to follow through she has sealed shut motivating her daughter in the future. Her daughter learns mom will say anything to get her to do what she wants and probably won’t follow through. Further, it isn’t even worth talking to her about it because Mom will turn around and blame her. Daughter learns it is ok to misled Mom as Mom has mislead her.

·         Solution: Make no statements you are not fully prepared to follow through on. Follow through on all consequences positive or negative in a timely fashion with no undisclosed strings attached. Daughter learns to trust what mom says and works to keep her word with her mother.

3.)     Parents ground their teenager for three days but “forgets” after one day.

·         Concerns: The teenager learns (and counts on) parent forgetting decided consequences. They may take advantage of it. He/she may expect other authority figures to do the same rather than hold them accountable. The teenager also learns parents won’t follow through with what they say.

·         Solution: Only say what you are willing to do. If a one day consequences is what can be held to, then only say one day. If three days have been decided, figure out ways to remember to hold them to it for three days. This way, the teen learns to trust parents even if he doesn’t like what they are saying.

4.)    Family is in the middle of an argument over chores and parent brings up past mistakes/failures that have nothing to do with the current discussion.

·         Concerns: The teenager learns no mistake is really forgiven and resolved but can be used against him/her at any time. She/he learns it is better no one knows about their own mistakes because others can’t be trusted to be safe with the mistake/failure.

·         Solution: Parents stay on topic to the discussion at hand. If unresolved issues come up, save for a better time to discuss. Try to resolve issues as quickly as possible rather than dragging them on for days, weeks, or even longer. Parents work at full forgiveness and moving on once the issue has been resolved.

Trust is the foundation for all healthy relationships. If we can’t trust our own families, it makes it a lot harder to trust others. Trust takes so much time to build and can be broken in an instant. All parents make mistakes but it is never to late to work at improving. Mental illness, trauma, and substance use are common perpetrators of distrust in families for a variety of reasons. It takes awareness, intention, time, and hard work to build trust within the family. Instilling trust in your family is a great gift. It allows the next generation to live life more wholeheartedly without shame, it improves their ability to connect with people at work, and have lasting intimate relationships. See a professional family therapist to facilitate the process more quickly.