One of the alarming red flags in any parenting program, is the assertion only their way is the "right" way. While there are parenting true principles, a guaranteed technique to work for all teenagers all the time is nothing more than an illusion. If one technique had a 100% guarantee, parents and cultures would have come to a consensus long ago. But instead, there are many parenting classes from the infamous Baby Wise to Attachment Parenting. Theories abound and vary from culture to culture and, in America, from household to household. Many parenting classes do offer important fundamentals such as increased consistency and structure. How do you know which one to choose? Which one is true to your values? Which one(s) will your teenagers respond to the best?
Start by identifying your child's behavior pattern:
The Compliant Teenager
Very little action is needed in order to discipline the compliant teen. He/she responds to a look from across the room. Talking is the best tool to modify behavior. He/she depends on the adult's approval. Disappointing authority is one of the worst possible consequences for the compliant teen. If needed, taking away a privilege or two goes a long way. They may be moody at times, sometimes challenging authority but most of the time can be talked through conflictual situations.
The Independent Teenager
Most teenagers will push the envelope every now and then. They are learning how to be their own person which often translates into pushing against the boundaries set before them. They want to experiment with "adult" behaviors. Teenagers may explore risky behaviors. Using programs like Love and Logic or Total Transformation, parents train teenagers to think responsibly. They are held accountable for their behaviors but also learn decision making skills to cope with what life brings them.
The Challenging Teenager
Teaching a challenging teenager stretches and pushes the adults with whom they come into contact. Every day is a battle, every conversation an argument. Trust is minimal. For teens who insist on pushing every boundary given, authority would benefit from relinquishing the belief they can control behavior. However, they do have control over "the stuff" (aka everything your teen enjoys like their electronics, going out with friends, etc... ). Use this influence consistently and let the teen know how to earn back the privileges. Be up front about how long the consequence will last after he/she has complied. Utilize programs like Parent Project. They are "evidenced based" meaning studies have been researched on caregivers who have used the program strategies and the outcomes have been reliably successful. If needed, work with a counselor or another support since training a challenging teenager can be exhausting. You will need a cheerleader.
Whichever category your teen(s) falls into, know their decisions are their own. While parents, teachers, youth pastors, and other supports have a significant impact on teenagers, they do have a mind of their own. Some make great choices and others do not, no matter how hard we try. The best we can do is to educate ourselves, admit our mistakes, and demonstrate healthy love and boundaries as much as possible. The outcome is up to them.
