All families have rules. Some rules are spoken or written down, some are unspoken. Perhaps "Be respectful" is on the list of rules posted. "Don't talk to Mom before she's has her cup of coffee in the morning." is a rule everyone may know without having to say it aloud. Rules of families, whether spoken or unspoken, are for the safety of everyone in the home. Sometimes rules are to help family members cope with challenges.
One unspoken rules many families develop to survive is silence. In many families talking about problems, feelings, and dreams are not allowed. Talking becomes against the rules in order to keep the peace. One woman told me if she didn't talk about the problems, they didn't exist. This type of pretense glosses over issues that will otherwise continue to fester until resolved. Over time this rule can be passed down from generation to generation like a genetic disease. Sometimes alcoholism, substance abuse, or mental
illness influences the development of this damaging trait. Long term, this maladaptive coping skill negatively effects emotional and relational growth.
Is your family allowed to talk about problems, emotions, dreams, and passions? Do the adults in the family encourage open communication without negative emotional repercussions? To be clear, this is a separate topic from holding teenagers responsible for their behaviors. Of course, there need to be consequences for behaviors. But, is there room in the family to discuss almost anything? Do we try to protect certain people by not mentioning certain topics? Do we find ourselves blaming the speaker when the receiver becomes angry or upset?
Talking about challenges and problems is the way people work through them rather than getting stuck. Fred Roger's from PBS's Mr. Roger's Neighborhood once said "When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary." The opposite is also true. When we cannot talk about our feelings they become more overwhelming, upsetting and scary. The idea filters to teens that their emotions need to be kept to themselves because the grownups may do one of the following:
1.) Ignore or dismiss feelings expressed. One young lady told me every time she cried, her father walked out of the room.
2.) Respond sarcastically. Sarcasm can shut down productive conversation quickly.
3.) Cry and become upset. If the teen has to comfort the parent, why even tell them? The lack of communication stems from a need to protect another family member.
4.) Become angry. Statements like "I've raised you better than this." or "How could you do this to me?" discourage any open communication.
To facilitate healthier communication, families must be able
to share emotions and thoughts safely. This not a skill we are born with and may not have
learned growing up. Initially, the only safe place may be a counselor's
office. It can be helpful to have a 3rd party mediating if discussions become too heated at home. If teens are told they can talk about anything, parents have the responsibility to stay calm in the face of challenging revelations. Nobody ever said it would be easy. If you have trouble staying calm, seek help and support.
