When Tragedy Strikes

The December blog was going to include natural health tips for better mental health but in light of last week's events I'm pausing the series to address the complicated grief we are experiencing as a nation, as as a member of the human race.

   Its unthinkable to believe people could do so much harm to an innocent crowd of shoppers, children, and teachers. And not just one incident but multiple .We are not on a battle field. Holiday shopping, education-- they should be safe times.  It leaves us stunned, paralyzed in horror. With the holidays so close, the pain is only magnified. This is the time of year we sit with loved ones and treasure watching them excitedly open gifts. We give to local charities and churches abundantly this time of year so not one family goes without food or presents. But this year we are keenly aware many families have been robbed of their loved ones. Our hearts physically ache for them. Money, food, and presents we can give but life we cannot return. We feel helpless and maybe even guilty for being able to enjoy our families and friends. For those who have lost loved ones before, the grief is deeper still as they empathize in ways I can only imagine. 

   I find myself pulled in two opposite directions. First, I want to know more of what happened. Its as if an explanation or answer to my many questions somehow would help. But the more I know, the more grieved I seem to become. Part of me doesn't want to hear anything about it. I don't want to see it on TV. I don't want to read it. I don't want to hear it on the radio. I want to pretend like it didn't happen. But I can't ignore it either because 1.) it did really occur & 2.) Ignoring it seems to dishonor those who were  touched by the horrific tragedies. 

   How do we offer support to the next generation when we are just as saddened and just as heartbroken as the young people? 

1. Remember everyone grieves in their own way. It is all too easy to judge the way someone grieves when it doesn't seem effective or mirror our own methods.
2. Give lavish grace to other's process of grief. 
3. Listen. Let the teenagers and children talk. You don't have to have the answers but people do need a place to express their fears, concerns, and worries in order to heal. Talking is the process for healing, even when it hurts.
4. Keep an eye out of physical symptoms: upset stomach, headache, tension, fatigue, changes in appetite or sleep, increased anxiety/depression. If symptoms continue consistently for over 2 weeks, interfering in the day's schedule, and/or relationships recommend a support group or a counselor. Support groups and counselors are there to help people cope with the craziness of life. 

 

Ironically, it was one of my childhood hero's who offered me comfort even though he is no longer alive. Mr. Fred Rogers words are as relevant today as they were years ago.

     “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.“

We cannot change what happened but we can sit, listen, and cry. By being one of those caring people, those helpers, the wounds begin to mend. 

Natural Methods to Treat Teenage Mood Disorders Part 1

      One of the most often asked questions I get is "Can you suggest natural ways to treat depression (or anxiety/anger/mood swings)?" Without training, it is unethical for the average counselor to make recommendations for any medications, natural or otherwise. However, many parents would like to utilize alternate natural ways of supporting their teens before trying a myriad of psychotropics. So, recently, I sat down with Holistic Health & Preventative Nutritionist Leanne Ernster to discuss what could be done naturally to improve moods.
      While research supports exercise as one of the best ways to improve mental health, Leanne had a forerunner to exercise. While she agrees exercise is very helpful, she stressed the number one priority is whole foods because food is our fuel for fitness, physically and mentally. Leanne noted "whatever we feed ourselves, on a cellular level everything is affected!-- our hormones, our organs. If we don't have what it takes to build healthy neurotransmitters, to slow our bodies down at night, and rev them up in the morning... then it's no wonder the snowball effects happen." Leanne continues to illustrate the snowball effect in the life of a teenager.  "So let's say a teen is living off of Trix cereal, bagels, mac n' cheese, and energy drinks. There isn't one phytonutrient [since they] are only in plants. [Teenagers] will quickly find they are lethargic. Maybe they sleep in late because they have no energy, and then they miss the sun. They aren't as active, they have low moods, and eat more junk to try and find energy. It is very cyclical. People don't know where to start and get overwhelmed." Long-term this affects the hormones, adrenals, brain development showing up in symptoms consistent with depression, anxiety, and moods swings.
      With nutrition being so vital to our mental health here are so some practical tips Leanne recommended to help the teenagers in your life build a healthy mind.

1. Depression: Vitamin D3 drops (2,000 units aka 2 drops) are a necessity. In the NW we sorely miss absorption of Vitamin D through the sun. Lack of Vitamin D can cause, among other things, depressive symptoms. Light boxes can also be helpful for some people with depression (Costco has them locally for under $50. Check out the reviews.).
2. Anxiety: Vitamin B metabolizes stress and improves cognitive functioning. You can find Vitamin B in whole grains like oats, whole grain breads (Dave's Killer Good Seed is Kristal's favorite), nuts and avocado, spinach, and nutritional yeast. As there are many types of Vitamin B, a Vitamin B Stress Complex supplement can help for additional support to better manage stress.
3. Memory & Moods:  Ground Flax Seed (2 Tablespoons daily). Just like coffee, freshly ground is best for the maximum nutritional benefit. It can often be added to a smoothie or hot cereal with almost no change in taste. The Omega-3's in flax seed protect our neurotransmitters in the brain to improve memory and stabilize moods. 80% of Americans are deficit in their Omega-3's.

Developmentally, teenagers often struggle with the idea of good nutrition for two reasons: The benefits of good nutrition are not typically immediate but long-term. Teens often want a quick fix, an immediate result. Second, teenagers often feel invincible. Warnings about effects of junk food do not seem real because it is not an instant consequence. To get them on board, work with them, leading by example to make small changes. Find out what healthy foods they like. Prepare foods together since they are more willing to eat something they have participated in making.

Extra Tip: Vitacost.com is an inexpensive, quick access to high quality food and supplements.

NEXT MONTH: Part 2--Leanne and I discuss supplements and strategies avoid insomnia and get a good nights sleep. Proper sleep is crucial in healthy minds.


Leanne started and manages Engedi, a nonprofit coffee shop serving healthy smoothies and organic coffee/teas. My personal favorite is their Chai tea bought local from a native Indian now residing in Oregon. She also coaches people through her business Celebrate Nutrition in helping clients make better health choices promoting whole foods. One of her favorite pastimes is creating new healthy recipes. Like Celebrate Nutrition on Facebook and get regular healthy tips for daily living.

Disclaimer: Check with your doctor before making changes to your diet. Neither Leanne Ernster or Kristal Mathis are medical professionals. Please note not all mental health issues are related to diet but it is an important factor for many people.

Does Your Teenager Need Counseling?

One of the lines in a recent movie I saw compared lawyers to counselors (and it was not in a positive light). "They just want your money -- they keep you coming back again and again." While there may be some truth in the statement for some counselors, most do really care about people first. When you are concerned about your teenager it can be more confusing. How do you know if your teenager would benefit from seeing a counselor? Would a few visits fix the issue? How long will the counseling take? How do you know if counseling is working? Here are questions to gauge your teens needs-- you be the judge:

Self-esteem

1.) How does your teenager like themselves? Are they confident? Teenage girls often tell me part of the reason they self-harm is because they don't care about themselves An identity attached to inappropriate or negatives behaviors is a problem to address as quickly as possible. Notice if your teen takes care of their own needs. Hygiene, eating, exercise, and sleeping can be indicators of how they rate themselves. Extremes on either end can point to a deeper self-hatred. Counselors can help identify the source of the hatred and teach your teenager to accept themselves. 

School/Work

2.) How is their school/work going? Are they passing their classes? Are they participating? Are they able to complete the work? Anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression show up at school and interfere with focus. Sometimes their feelings are so intense they are unable to be successful at school without extra help. Many therapists work with teenagers on attention strategies or ways to lower moods interfering with schoolwork. 

3.) Relationships

What are their relationships like? Conflictual, messy, exclusive, enmeshed? How intense are the family arguments? Have they ever gotten physical? Do they let everyone walk all over them or the opposite, fight with everyone? Maybe your teenager doesn't really have friends, or know how to make friends. Do they handle their technology responsibly (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, text)?  Counselors can work with your teenager to help them grow their ability to communicate and develop appropriate levels of trust. 

For each of the domains above, family involvement can expedite counseling. Duration of counseling is based on several factors 

1. How long has this been an issue? It could potentially take just as long to practice new behaviors. Anything earlier is a bonus. 
2. Is it a good fit with the counselor? Does your teenager like their therapist? If he/she does not, don't waste the time or money.
3. How intense/severe is the issue? The more intense, the longer it may take to address. Counselors and clients start as strangers. 

If you feel like your teenager's therapist is keeping them engaged far longer than is necessary, talk with your teen and the counselor. Often times, weaning sessions is much safer than going cold turkey. Remember improvement may not yet have the roots to stabilize the progress. While teenagers may continue to need check-ins with their counselors, the goal of a good counselor is work themselves out of a job (not keep them coming back indefinitely).

Three School Success Musts

Most parents want to see their teenagers to do well in school, but aren't sure how to help. Teenagers can be resistant to their families and academic world mixing. I remember fighting embarrassment as my mother appeared, in bright red sweats, by my locker to give me my lunch. Adolescence is a challenging stage of life. The harder it is to be a teenager, the harder it is to be a parent.

Talk to the school.
One of the most important ways to help teens in schools, is to connect with the faculty. Research suggests students whose parents communicate with the school regularly, get a better education. While I am sure the faculty does not intentionally slight teens who do not have involved caregivers, it is natural to give more attention to the ones who are more familiar. There is also an accountability factor. An involved parent encourages staff to give their best. Concerned adults involving themselves in the teens academic world gives extra psychological support, which can be the difference between passing or failing a class. Not the legal guardian? As long as the guardian (and teen) don't object, do not be afraid to advocate for the young people in your life. In my experience the schools are happy to better help their students, only remember they manage hundred of students, not just yours.
TIP: Struggling grades? Ask the school counseling office about free tutoring services the schools often provide.

Eat!
There is a growing trend among teenagers to abstain from breakfast, and sometimes lunch too. Parents often don't even notice because as soon as student gets home from school, they start in snacking and eat a big dinner. Skipping breakfast and lunch contributes heavily to problems with focusing and assimilating new information. Their brains don't have enough nutrient support to learn efficiently. Also, deficits in nutrition are being shown to decrease the brain's ability to function. Consuming highly processed sugar and fatty foods will contribute to poor focus. Make sure your teenagers not only are eating but have a healthy start to the day to keep up their energy till the dismissing bell rings.
TIP: Many girls are under the impression that they will lose weight if they hold out eating as long as possible. Make sure they know this is false. If necessary, recruit their doctor in the conversation.

Sleep.
Teenagers are infamous for their poor sleep hygiene. I regularly hear of survival through the day starting early, crashing for a couple hour nap after school, and up late finishing homework and texting friends. Weekends are for sleeping half the day. Being tired negatively affects their ability to problem solve and retain information. During adolescence 8-10 hours of sleep is recommended. Encourage good sleeping habits such as avoiding caffeine late in the day, separating homework and sleep spaces, and scheduling wind-down time between business and sleep. Many of my clients find it helpful to play a relaxing playlist or taking a bath/shower to calm their active minds before saying goodnight.
TIP: Lower the brightness in the evening. Avoid intense lights late in the evening including TV, computer's, and phones. Dim lighting readies the body for sleep.

While we can't do the work for them, there is a much we can do to help make the most of their educational opportunities. Not only are we giving them tools now but we also are setting a foundation for their further endeavors whether at college or in the workforce. Without proper sleep, good nutrition, or social support, a teenager can easily fall through the cracks, silently failing to meet their potential. Be the person to help them achieve.

Calming Your Teens Emotions

Have you ever had those conversations where the other person just wasn't getting you? You both liked each other. You both are smart, intelligent people, and yet there is a verbal chasm between the two of you. Maybe it's because you disagree. Maybe it's because you have different points of view. Maybe you just want them to understand you, and it's not happening. It is easy to give up and walk away, feeling frustrated and alone. With teenagers, these conversations can quickly escalate into yelling, anger, and a fight for control.

The quickest and most effective way to bring down intense emotions during conversation is validation. By contrast, invalidation spikes emotions levels higher. The human race has an intense need to be validated. Validation is giving a person permission to have thoughts and feelings--regardless of what they might be expressing. Some counselors have even defined six different levels of validation, ranging from non-verbal acknowledgment to using the person's history to make sense of their reaction.

How to validate:

1.) Look for the emotion or logic. What are they feeling? What was their thought process?

2.) Be aware of your body language. Make eye contact. Give them your full attention.

3.) Never use 'BUT', as it negates the initial validation. Instead, use 'AND'. "It makes sense why you parked the car there AND I need it moved to clean the driveway."

4.) Use statements like... 

• "That makes sense because...." 
• "It sounds like you are feeling ______"
• "You look really _____."
• "You're thinking....."
• "I would feel that way too."

Validation is NOT...

1.) Agreeing. Notice that the above statements reflect what the other persons is feeling or thinking. This does not imply you agree or disagree but you are giving him/her room to their express himself/herself.
2.) Fixing it. This is particullary difficult for helpers. We want to fix it. There may be a time for fixing it, just remember to validate first. For example, a teenagers is upset because she broke up with her boyfriend. Dad says "Wow. I can tell this is really hard for you; is there something I can do to help?"
3.) Relating. This is an easy mistake. When we try to connect with people, we look through the file of our own experiences to share. Unfortunately, this can get in the way of truly hearing what your teenager is trying to communicate. This may not be the time to share your breakup stories.
4.) Evaluating.  Using terms like 'good' or 'bad' to assess the situation sets you up as a judge. Shows like American Idol are all about evaluating good, bad, or indifferent. Even 'good' judgements interfere with validating. For example "It's good you feel this way" implies it could be bad to feel another way.

In a recent session, I choked on my tea right as my client disclosed using meth "recreationally" last weekend. Regardless of why, my reaction was extremely invalidating. This is absolutely not a behavior I want to validate AND I want to validate her feelings leading up to the decision. Judgement will cut off our relationships. Validation allows her to feel safe and secure enough to continue to discuss with me her feelings, thoughts, and decisions. All feelings and emotions are valid; however, some behaviors should not be validated. Given the chance to express emotion in an accepting environment decreases emotional intensity. Contrarily, invalidation only increase the intensity of the emotion.

For futher information on how to validate, check out these helpful sites:
http://eqi.org/valid.htm#What%20Validation%20Is
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation_examples.html

Referee No More

While I was working on my Master’s, I taught preschool. I was with twenty 4 and 5 year olds for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. During those busy days, one of my pet peeves was tattling. It seemed every two seconds, Jacob would come running up to tell me Kelly wasn’t sharing the play dough or some other minor infraction.  Sometimes I just wanted to scream. I didn’t like being the referee. But students and siblings need to be able to trust their authority to bring about justice whenever possible (granted, life is not fair and we cannot always make it so but that is another blog). I needed a way to help them solve their own problems or I would spend a good portion of my day breaking up insignificant spats.

Looking for some ideas online, I came across a technique to promote resolving conflict. I immediately dubbed it the Talking Table Technique. When any two people have a disagreement, they are required to go to the table (any will do), and figure out a resolution. They cannot get up, until it is resolved. If it is over a particular item, I hold on to the item until the two resolve the disagreement. After a solution has formed, the two let me know what has been decided and I enforce what they agreed upon just in case one decides to waffle on the original agreement.

Talking Table Rules

1.) No stone walling (a complete refusal to communicate or resolve the conflict for a long period of time. Give it at least a five minutes).

2.) No abuse, physical or verbal (Name-calling, insults, and hitting in any form are not allowed since they are  counterproductive to healthy debates).

If a rule is broken, the one who broke the rule forfeits their claim in the discussion. Simply put, they lose. It’s a good life lesson for future relationships and conflict.

In the beginning, I had to oversee quite a bit but by the end of the school year, the Talking Table was rarely required. Not because I stopped using it but because the classmates would figure it out before coming to me. Hearing their solutions was gratifying. I was amazed at their creativity. They would use time limits, take turns, collaborate and compromise.  Sometimes, the decision didn’t seem fair but they didn’t seem to mind, so why should I? I watched these small children resolve conflict better than some adults. 

I shouldn’t have been surprised when I realized teenagers also have difficulty resolving conflict. Some have never been taught how to resolve conflict as adults have always sorted it out for them. Many don’t have good examples in their lives as they watch their parents yell, curse, and behave aggressively. Others have parents allowing violence between siblings. “Don’t all siblings do that?” I get asked frequently. As adults, it is our job to give them opportunities to use their words to solve problems. Can the talking table always be used? No. Tattling is too broad a term to use the Talking Table Technique universally. Talk with your kids about types of tattling, when is it unacceptable and when it is mandatory. I’ve broken tattling into 3 types.

3 Types of Tattling

1. Pure tattling: completely unnecessary and useless. “Miss Kristal, Brandon isn’t sharing with Zachary.” Solution: Listen but take no action. Hand it back to tattler. “What are you going to do?”  (When tattling has gotten out of control, a minor consequence for pure tattling such as a chore or timeout curbs the behavior quickly).
2. Conflict tattling: When two or more individuals disagree and want a referee.                                     Solution: Use the talking table.
3. Necessary tattling: True danger is involved, blood, fire, or anything illegal “Mom, Amy is chasing me with a knife.”                                                                                                                                                               Solution: Please take immediate action to make sure everyone is safe.

From birth to death, the human race constantly learns how to fix problems. Using the Talking Table Technique from ages 3-18, sets a foundation missed by many adults. We give them a structured space to have the freedom and creativity to work out their conflicts on their own. What a wonderful gift to give the next generation. If you take the time to follow through and regulate the process, the young people will follow your lead. They will be able to engage in the following:

1.) Ignore the petty

2.) Solve their own conflicts in a constructive manner

3.) Trust you and get help with the big stuff.

Be ready to be amazed. 

Tools for Dad

For many of the girls I work with, Dad is a missing link. In some cases, Dad's have wounded my clients so deeply, it will take years of processing to recover. Some of my clients have never and will never know their biological father. Step-dads, grandpas, uncles, older brothers, teachers may be as close to having a father as they will ever know. But I also get to meet amazing Dads who would do anything to help their teen.

Dad's want a good relationship with their growing daughter but aren't sure how to connect anymore. When girls are little, Daddies can scoop them up and take them to McDonalds, read them a book, or teach them to ride a bike. But when the same little girl hits puberty, a shift happens. Little girl wears makeup, has boyfriends, and enjoy driving. Dads are caught between the crossfire of respecting their daughters changing developmental needs and protecting them from themselves or people who may take advantage of their innocence.

Teenagers continually seek the approval of their fathers. They need to know their fathers respect them, protect them, and are proud of them. Teenagers can be difficult to engage in conversation. "How was your day?" "Fine." "Learn anything in school?" "No.". Monosyllables do not generate meaningful conversation or connection. It can take extra education to facilitate a heart to heart chat with an adolescent. The common questions I get asked by Dads are "How do I connect with my daughter?" and "How do I talk with her?" 

1.) Take time. Life is crazy busy. You probably have other relationships, jobs, and obligations to meet. However, it is not an excuse for skipping daughter or son/dad time, just the two of you. It doesn't have to cost money. Go on a picnic. Find something she/he enjoys: video games, board game, sports. Go for a walk. Cook something. Read. Teach her/him how to change the tire or use a drill. The point is doing it together. Aim for regular meetings weekly to monthly as the schedule allows. Have it be consistent so everyone knows this time is set aside for the two of you. For example, the first Tuesday night of the month is daughter/dad time. Build it into your schedule or before long she/he will be off to college and it will no longer be an option.

2.) Be approachable. Do you blow a gasket if her skirt is too short? Do you comment on her weight or activity level? Do you criticize her/his friends? Do you respect her/him? Yes, there are house rules, expectations, and moral standards but be careful of the shame factor. Teach her/him everyone makes mistakes. She/He is not the mistake. If you want your teenage children to be able to come to you regardless of the situation, make sure they understand you love them no matter what. The most common breakdown I see between father's and their teens is the belief Dad only loves me if I'm skinny, straight A's, good at sports, obey all the rules, etc. Since no one is perfect, this belief leads to sneaky behaviors and poor self-esteem. Lastly, apologize when your wrong-- it doesn't make you weak; it makes you approachable.

If you take time for your growing children and they know you are approachable, you are setting the stage for a beautiful relationship continuing far after they graduate. If you know teenage girls/boys who miss out on dad time for one reason or another, consider stepping in the gap. Teenagers need healthy male role-models. They crave male attention.

For specifics on what to say, check out these tips from a local clinician. She also has a Dad group if you are interested in more coaching. Any specific questions, please feel free to contact me. 

The Key to Successful Mothering

   In the counseling world, Mom’s sometimes get a bad rap. I’m pretty sure it started with Freud and to some extent has perpetuated throughout counseling history. Traditionally, it was left to mother’s to care for their children full-time, while Dad was off at work. If it was the mommies of the world raising the children, the conclusion often is made, any childhood issues must be mommy related.

   I can still see hesitancy in the faces of many mother’s when they join a session. Their looks communicate “Is she going to blame me?” or "What did I do wrong now?". The enormous pressure of motherhood doesn’t help. Society insists mothers be pretty, healthy, kind, patient, all-knowing, relaxed, in control, organized, chauffer, nurse, tutor, teacher, and stable-- financially and emotionally. Culture frowns on mothers who don’t know what to do, who are their wits end, or who react because they don’t know how to respond. And yet, I doubt there is a single mother out there who hasn’t felt completely out of control at one time or another.

   One of my friends, a mother of three small ones, often tells me how frustrating it is for everyone  from your own parent to the cashier at the grocery store sharing their parenting advise. They all seem to be the expert on raising your kids. There is always something you are doing wrong. You may recognize the “mother guilt" of never doing enough.

   When working with teenagers, there is one defining quality of mothers successful in parenting their teenagers. They never give up. They reach out for support, apologize for mistakes, and work to improve. Any mistake can be forgiven if the teenager knows the parent acted on the best knowledge they had at the time. It may require work and reconciliation, but teenagers want to love their parents. They may need to see proof of working at change. They may need acknowledgement of mistakes made. This is appropriate. But they desperately want the love, approval, and relationship of their mothers. That longing for relationship with your mother can be present at any age.

   Know that no mother is perfect. Mothers do make mistakes. Mothers often have their own baggage. They may or may not have had a good role model growing up. Mothering is not innate. Teenagers don’t come with a handbook. Mothers struggle with their own mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and trauma. Mothers cannot be expected to be a superhero who has a clean house, works a job, makes healthy meals, is fit, volunteers at school, always knows what to do, and has perfect relationships. Life doesn’t work that way.

If you are a mother:

Never be afraid to reach out for help. Talk with someone you trust. Join a support group. Get a counselor. Take a class. Apologize and work to do better. Never give up on being the Mom you want to be. Children are the best motivation. Let go of the guilt of imperfection and use that energy toward positive change.

If you know a mother:

Be appreciative of what they do. Offer advice only when asked. Recognize you are not the one that goes home to the hormonal, angry teenager and refer to someone who may have additional insight. Let your presence be a safe place for mothers to be real about their struggles, feelings, and failures. Forgive.

For further help in either mothering a teenager or forgiving a mother, send me an email at Heartprints@kristalmathis.com.

Fostering Strength

Once upon a time, a small boy found an egg in a field. As he stooped over to inspect it, he saw the shell chip and movement inside. Understanding dawned on his face and he sat down, settling in to watch the sparrow hatch. Slowly and with great effort the bird made some minute progress. It seemed so weak and tired. The boy saw the struggle and had compassion. Very carefully, he eased off some of the shell so the bird could escape its trappings more easily. A short time later, the bird was free of the shell. After a time, the boy went off happy to have been helpful. He never knew the sparrow died an early death unable to fly; it never gained enough strength in its wings. The "help" the boy gave the hatchling, was its death sentence. Birds were made to fly but only after they struggle to break their shell on their own. Take away the struggle, and the bird can't soar.

We are often like the little boy. We see a hurting teenager and want to help. Our actions can emotionally cripple rather then encourage them if we try to fix their problems for them. What adult likes seeing a child suffer emotionally from a loss, a difficult relationship, or even local news? As responsible adults, we protect our children from negative influences. At the same time, we
A.) can't possibly protect them from all the hurt, pain, and dangers in life and even if we could,
B.) we would be robbing them of the process of growth and maturation.

 Many theorists say keeping a teen (or child) always happy is a form of child abuse. They never get an opportunity to calm themselves down; They never develop the skills to tolerate distress. Just like the baby sparrow did not get an opportunity to break free of the shell on its own, we often want to rescue teenagers from all the hardships of life. Consequently, they are ill prepared for life when it comes time to leave the nest. Our long-term goal is to teach teenagers to be able to regulate their own moods regardless of the circumstances. Changing the circumstances sometimes handicaps teenagers emotionally from growing.

What can you do? 
1.) Rather than rushing in with a solution to the problem, ask the teenagers in your life, how they plan on handling their issue. Whenever possible, listen to their ideas for solutions. Including them in the process develops their critical thinking, self-confidence, and problem solving. It empowers them. They learn to calm themselves down when stressed, angry, or sad. Long-term they will be better prepared to handle the reigns of adulthood.
2.) If they are crying or agitated, let them know you are there to hear their pain but don't rescue them from it. Be supportive without fixing it. Talk with your teenager about ways to be supportive while still holding them to an acceptable standard. Remind them of what has worked for them in the past.
3.) Coordinate with their counselor (if he/she has given permission) about strategies to help them be successful in any circumstance. For example, some teachers will allow a struggling distracted student to chew gum in class if it helps them focus better.
4.) Encourage them to advocate for themselves as much as possible with teachers, peers, coaches, and other authority figures. Only after he/she has made concerted effort and is not seeing an appropriate outcome, should you step in on their behalf.

 It is not uncommon when I am working with a struggling teenager for adults to attempt to make their teens lives easier by eliminating chores, tolerating disrespect, giving them exceptions to family rules,or otherwise lowering their standard of expectations.  Sometimes accommodations are needed. If you find yourself wanting to "fix the problem," ask the following questions first:
Am I doing this because I feel guilty (regarding an irresponsible adult, divorce, trauma)?
Am I changing the rules just so they can be happy? 
What are the long term consequences of changing the standard?

Guilt and temporary happiness are not good enough reasons to "fix" it or change the standard. It may enable the teenager to form dependency relationships that continue. It's like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs to be addressed. It may help temporarily, but you will find yourself in the type of situation again. Allow your little birds to crack open their own shell. You will be amazed at their progress. Yes, teenagers make mistakes in the process, but its all part of growing their emotional muscles so they can soar. Letting them practice while you are still there to supervise is the perfect training ground.




Disclaimer: Putting people in intentional danger or unwarranted pain is cruel and an abuse of power.

Cry Much?

Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? Your hormones are going all over the place, you're trying to find your place in a peer group, and struggling to "grow up." When I was 17, I recall several times when I would burst into tears unexplainably. My friend Mollie would find me sobbing, sit by me, and ask "Why are you crying?". "I don't know!" I would wail. She would chuckle and put her arm around me, letting me cry. We both understood how ridiculous it felt to be upset without a reason but it didn't make the feelings any less real. Looking back, school was stressful, being on your own in college, working a job, and managing relationships in dorms easily culminates into emotional overload for a hormone filled teenager. As a counselor, I've come to realize not everyone knows what to do when someone cries. Family, teachers, boyfriends, and girlfriends will look at me with this helpless lost look seeming to say "Help! Fix this! I don't know what to do." So...

Here Is What to do

1.) Be there-- don't walk away, sit, be present, focus

2.) Offer a tissue-- if you need to walk away to get a tissue say "I'm going to get you a tissue." so they don't think you are abandoning them in their moment of crisis.

3.) Offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. If they say no to a hug, be respectful, as some people don't want to be touched when they cry.

4.) Listen. Don't lecture, Don't try to fix it. Don't offer advise unless asked. Just listen. Sometimes the most loving act is to listen.

If you can do the above 4 skills, the teenager in your life will feel supported. Research says crying in an emotionally supportive environment helps people feel better. You are supporting their "good cry." Emotionally healthy teenagers have a "good cry" every so often.

Two common mistakes: 1.) Fixers have a tendency to rush in, demand what the tears are about, resolve the problem, assuming the tears will stop. This is not generally helpful or effective. 2.) Other's become so uncomfortable with tears they can appear angry or aloof, and may even prefer to ignore it by leaving the room. This not helpful. Seek assistance either professionally or with friends/family to help you respond in a emotionally supportive way for the important people in your life.

Too much crying

"But they are always crying." Some people believe crying is a manipulative behavior. Teenagers are trying to get out of trouble or what they want. This can be true but don't assume it. Just because a teenager is crying doesn't indicate consequences need to change. Authority can be supportive emotionally while still being consistent with consequenses. If a teenager crys every day, seek out help professionally, refer to a family or adolescent counselor. Frequent crying can be a symptom of a deeper issue such as grief or depression. A red flag can be tears at school since most teenagers won't want to cry at school. 

They Never Cry

Others say tears are a weakness. "Don't be a cry baby!" This approach is counter productive. If teenagers know it is not accepted to cry, they will sit on it, stuff it, and hide it. This leads to further emotional issues later in life. Never shame a teenager for crying. Male or female, it is emotionally healthy to have a "good cry" every so often. Don't forget that growing up is hard. The harder it is to be a teenager the harder it is to be a parent of a teenager. By using the above mentioned skills, you validate their feelings no matter what they are. When teens feelings are validated they can learn to be healthy emotional adults.This is different than validating inappropriate behaviors--do not validate inappropriate actions. Validate emotions not behaviors.

One More Warning: Don't make it about you. If they are crying, do not cry harder than they are because it switches the focus of who needs to comforted. No longer will you be supporting them, they will be supporting you. As the adult it is your responsibility to keep the support flowing the appropriate way.

For more help with tearful teenagers, contact me at Heartprints@KristalMathis.com

photo courtesy of Flickr and nyki_m

Loving Your Teenagers

February is the month for love, hearts, and romance. The teenagers I work with will bring in a necklace their boyfriend gave them or tell me about balloons and flowers given on Valentines Day. They treasure the gifts as if it were the Hope Diamond even if the monetary value was insignificant. If its jewelry, I doubt they ever take it off, even to shower. For these girls, the gifts symbolize they are loved-- someone loves them  and thinks they're important.

While every human being needs to love and be loved, research indicates the highest factor in reducing or eliminating dangerous/illegal behaviors in teenagers is the close relationship between a child and their parent(s). Not all children are fortunate enough to have parents who are able to be close with them. If they don't, teachers, school counselors, volunteers, youth pastors may be the next closest safe adult to love them.

There are 3 ways every teenager can know they are loved.

1.) Tell them: "You are loved,", "I care about you.", "I love talking with you.", "You make my life better.", "I love you.". Teenagers need to hear this daily regardless of adult's moods. In the recent bestseller and movie, The Help, it is the maid who tells the child daily "You is kind, you is smart, you is important." Those messages stay with people forever.

2.) Be affectionate. If teenagers are unable to get affection from safe adults they will get it anywhere they can. Affection might look differently depending on your role and gender due to society norms. A male youth pastor giving a female student a full frontal hug can be misinterpreted. However, a Dad wrapping his arms in a bear hug around his teenage daughter is encouraged regularly. I have listed forms of affection to incorporate from casual to close depending on your relationship. Teenage boys and girls need affection from safe men and women daily. Don't stop when they hit puberty--they need it now more than ever.

High Fives
Arm pats
Side hugs
Hair Tousle
Hugs
Back Scratch
Playing with hair
Kisses

Warning: People should NEVER force their teenagers to accept affection. If a teenager resists it, immediately back off. It is disrespectful and violating to force any form of affection on someone who does not want it. You respect and honor them by hearing their 'no'.

3.) Leave written notes or messages of encouragement. "Hope you having a good day." "Thinking about you today.", "Great job on your math grade." One Mom wrote on the bathroom mirror "thanks for cleaning the bathroom." so her daughter found it when she showered. Creativity can be fun. Any adult in a teenagers life can write a note of encouragement. Think about when you were young, and how much it would have meant (or did mean) when an important person sent you an encouraging note. Mine are in special spot.

Both parents and professionals who work with teens, can be so frustrated by hormonal mood swings, poor choices, and obsession with anything peer related. A recent example is the father who shot his daughter's laptop because she was disrespectful to him on her Facebook page. He videoed the shooting and posted it to her wall for the world to see. It became a Youtube sensation and was even picked up by the media. I'm sad for their relationship. Even though I have no doubt he loves her very much, and believes he was teaching her an important lesson, she really learned to be even more sneaky to avoid public Dad tantrums. Consequences originating in revenge or anger is not OK.

Please be a good role model. If your teenager knows they are loved, discipline becomes easier both for the teenager and the authority figure because  1.) it will not be needed as often and 2.) it is couched in love reducing rebellion. For more ways to show love to teenagers in your life, read The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers New Edition: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman.

The Internet Savvy Family Part 3: Moderation?

    2012. I can't help but wonder what this year holds. I have to admit I am hoping the iPhone 5 will be born and, yes, I will most likely be one of the masses running to go get it.  Over the last 15 years, technological advances have changed the way teenagers communicate drastically. Even having all the appropriate parental guards and random phone/account checks does not diminish the effects technology has on our teen's relationship skills and emotional health.

    A colleague called them the 'teenage pacifier.' You know what I'm referring to... their phones.They sleep with their them, send thousands of texts a month, and want to spend their evenings on their computers. How much is too much? What boundaries are appropriate to use? No parent wants to be a nag. Is it ok to have conversations with teens, while they text?  "But I'm a good multi-tasker" they argue.  While multi-tasking can be good in some settings, the ability to maintain focus for a prolonged period of time on one subject is also a vital skill to have quality relationships. Imagine a counselor who texts in session while their client shares their life story?

    Ironically, technology greatly reduces our ability to filter information even though it is the greatest contributor to increased conversation.The cornerstone of any communications class is "You cannot not communicate". Online conversation (Facebook/email/text, etc...) can only go so far. For example, if Cindy mentions in a text to Pam she likes Ryan and there is no response, Cindy doesn't know why.  Did she get my text? Where did she go? Why isn't she responding? Does Pam like Ryan? Is she mad me? Is she happy for me? Is Ryan with Pam? Is she telling someone? Imaginations runs wild. Feelings of stress spike. She doesn't know Pam dropped her phone in a cup of tea and it was disabled. In person to person conversation seeing their faces, body language, and hearing tones, tells us much more than the person's words. We continue to build upon our relational skills the more we practice them. Unfortunately, technology promotes quantity over quality. Our teenagers need to be able to utilize online and in person communication.

How to Promote Technology Moderate Teenagers

1. Encourage non technological activities such as baking, reading, exercise. If you or your family have difficulty disengaging from computers/TVs/gaming, use time limits. However, don't forget to take into consideration mandated school online research and typing.
2. Do not allow cell phones to interrupt sleep. Electronics in bed is the number one reason people don't get enough sleep. During the adolescent years, sleep is essential to healthy development. Some phone plans can shut phones down between certain hours of the day (i.e. M-F 10 pm to 6 am or during school hours). Don't forget emergency calls are never disabled.
3. Be a role model. Take charge of your phone, rather than letting your phone be in charge of you:

• Create non phone time (like dinner), the world will get by without you for a few moments and it gives you time to recharge as you give yourself permission to not be as available. Initially, you may experiences some elevated stress being disconnected. If this is hard for you, start with 30 minutes once a week. It is not practical to fully disengage constantly. But, the more you do it, the more you will become accustomed to your mini vacations.
• Have technology free conversations regularly. Computers/phones can be used as a distraction to avoid real life. Make sure you are engaging in person to person interactions.  To an adult generation texting while engaging with a person present can be disrespectful. For teenagers, it is as disrespectful as chewing gum and just as normal. Make sure your teens know when they pick up their phone to text while talking to a friend, they can be indirectly sending the message "my phone person is more important than you".
• Unless you have a job requiring you to be on call, turn off work phone and email on your non work days. By practicing healthy boundaries, your family can use technology to improve their lives rather than being a disruption.

P.S. For counseling, I let the teens (and their family) know my phones are off so I can focus on them. Sometimes whole families will decide to make counseling a phone free zone. If they want to bring their phones in and use them, it is their choice and how they want to spend the hour.  However, I notice patterns like using the phone each time a difficult topic comes up or watch their anxiety spike whenever a particular person texts. It becomes part of the session as catalyst for therapeutic conversation.