One of the biggest challenges adults face working with depressed teenagers is knowing how much to accommodate and how much to hold to expectations. If all rules are accommodated to keep the teenager less depressed he/she may never learn how to cope with the consequences of his/her actions. On the other hand, holding depressed teens to the same expectation as their peers, may result in spiraling failure increasing their depressive symptoms. Watching your teen fail time and time again can be heartbreaking. You want them to succeed. They want to succeed.
Many adults fall into the trap of waiving their normal rules to avoid conflict or high risk behavior (i.e. cutting, running away). Done out of the best of intention, the teens may appear to stabilize but when confronted with other expectations they quickly deteriorate. Also, reducing expectations for one individual creates resentment and frustration for others in the family, class, or group. On some level, the lowered expectation reinforces the hurting teen's failure. Essentially they get perks from struggling with depression. This is not the message we want to be sending them. How will you know if there has been too much accommodation? Start with measuring your own resentment level. How much have you done v. how much have they done to help themselves out? If you are going to compromise on an expectation, what are they compromising? If you notice you're working harder then he/she is, there is too much accommodation.
On the other side of the spectrum are adults who continue to expect exactly the same from emotionally troubled teens as they do from all the others. The result for the teen is often failing out of school, always in trouble, increased poor self-esteem and depressive symptoms, and finally, shutting down. These adults try to motivate assuming if the motivation is big enough the teen will somehow manage to make changes. "If you pass all your classes this year, you can take drivers ed this summer." "If you don't get any more suspensions, I'll buy you that X-box game you have been wanting.". The teen may actually be motivated, get excited, and earnestly throw themselves into the appropriate behavior with vigor. Within a few weeks, sometimes days, he/she has had a failure. He/She may try to hide it or give up again resulting in everyone's disappointment. So what does the adult do? Unfortunately, the adult may try another motivator which ends up in another painful cycle of failing. Finding the balance of support and enabling can be difficult.
How To Help Depressed Teenagers:
1.) Review expectations together (i.e. be honest, all homework turned in). Having it written out limits confusion later.
2.) Put together reasonable short term consequences (no electronics for 24 hours). Too long of consequences reduces effectiveness as the teens learn to adapt without their privileges. Hint: the consequence time doesn't start till you see the behavior you want (for example, if John curses during his 12 hour restriction period for cursing, the time starts over). Let your teen know ahead of time what to expect.
3.) Reward small steps in the right direction so they can see their progress (i.e. a point for every assignment turn in on time or for a day without yelling). The small reward can work toward a bigger motivator (i.e. X-box game, driver's ed, eating out, sleepover). This reduces their discouragement when they make mistakes as they can always try again tomorrow and still have an accumulated amount of points from past successes.
4.) Follow through. Do not shorten the consequence once you have already agreed to a certain amount of time.
5.) Be available to validate emotions and talk about problem solving. Just remember to still hold accountable for poor behavior. Depression, ADHD, anxiety, and trauma are not excuses for abusive behaviors or a lack of responsibility.
6.) Encourage them to seek help. Most teenagers have access to counselors and doctors through school, faith system, and/or parents. Put the responsibility on them to develop skills to cope while you support them in their process
Finding a balanced approach can be a struggle. Consult with other professionals or supports if needed. You aren't in this alone.
