The Key to Successful Mothering

   In the counseling world, Mom’s sometimes get a bad rap. I’m pretty sure it started with Freud and to some extent has perpetuated throughout counseling history. Traditionally, it was left to mother’s to care for their children full-time, while Dad was off at work. If it was the mommies of the world raising the children, the conclusion often is made, any childhood issues must be mommy related.

   I can still see hesitancy in the faces of many mother’s when they join a session. Their looks communicate “Is she going to blame me?” or "What did I do wrong now?". The enormous pressure of motherhood doesn’t help. Society insists mothers be pretty, healthy, kind, patient, all-knowing, relaxed, in control, organized, chauffer, nurse, tutor, teacher, and stable-- financially and emotionally. Culture frowns on mothers who don’t know what to do, who are their wits end, or who react because they don’t know how to respond. And yet, I doubt there is a single mother out there who hasn’t felt completely out of control at one time or another.

   One of my friends, a mother of three small ones, often tells me how frustrating it is for everyone  from your own parent to the cashier at the grocery store sharing their parenting advise. They all seem to be the expert on raising your kids. There is always something you are doing wrong. You may recognize the “mother guilt" of never doing enough.

   When working with teenagers, there is one defining quality of mothers successful in parenting their teenagers. They never give up. They reach out for support, apologize for mistakes, and work to improve. Any mistake can be forgiven if the teenager knows the parent acted on the best knowledge they had at the time. It may require work and reconciliation, but teenagers want to love their parents. They may need to see proof of working at change. They may need acknowledgement of mistakes made. This is appropriate. But they desperately want the love, approval, and relationship of their mothers. That longing for relationship with your mother can be present at any age.

   Know that no mother is perfect. Mothers do make mistakes. Mothers often have their own baggage. They may or may not have had a good role model growing up. Mothering is not innate. Teenagers don’t come with a handbook. Mothers struggle with their own mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and trauma. Mothers cannot be expected to be a superhero who has a clean house, works a job, makes healthy meals, is fit, volunteers at school, always knows what to do, and has perfect relationships. Life doesn’t work that way.

If you are a mother:

Never be afraid to reach out for help. Talk with someone you trust. Join a support group. Get a counselor. Take a class. Apologize and work to do better. Never give up on being the Mom you want to be. Children are the best motivation. Let go of the guilt of imperfection and use that energy toward positive change.

If you know a mother:

Be appreciative of what they do. Offer advice only when asked. Recognize you are not the one that goes home to the hormonal, angry teenager and refer to someone who may have additional insight. Let your presence be a safe place for mothers to be real about their struggles, feelings, and failures. Forgive.

For further help in either mothering a teenager or forgiving a mother, send me an email at Heartprints@kristalmathis.com.

Fostering Strength

Once upon a time, a small boy found an egg in a field. As he stooped over to inspect it, he saw the shell chip and movement inside. Understanding dawned on his face and he sat down, settling in to watch the sparrow hatch. Slowly and with great effort the bird made some minute progress. It seemed so weak and tired. The boy saw the struggle and had compassion. Very carefully, he eased off some of the shell so the bird could escape its trappings more easily. A short time later, the bird was free of the shell. After a time, the boy went off happy to have been helpful. He never knew the sparrow died an early death unable to fly; it never gained enough strength in its wings. The "help" the boy gave the hatchling, was its death sentence. Birds were made to fly but only after they struggle to break their shell on their own. Take away the struggle, and the bird can't soar.

We are often like the little boy. We see a hurting teenager and want to help. Our actions can emotionally cripple rather then encourage them if we try to fix their problems for them. What adult likes seeing a child suffer emotionally from a loss, a difficult relationship, or even local news? As responsible adults, we protect our children from negative influences. At the same time, we
A.) can't possibly protect them from all the hurt, pain, and dangers in life and even if we could,
B.) we would be robbing them of the process of growth and maturation.

 Many theorists say keeping a teen (or child) always happy is a form of child abuse. They never get an opportunity to calm themselves down; They never develop the skills to tolerate distress. Just like the baby sparrow did not get an opportunity to break free of the shell on its own, we often want to rescue teenagers from all the hardships of life. Consequently, they are ill prepared for life when it comes time to leave the nest. Our long-term goal is to teach teenagers to be able to regulate their own moods regardless of the circumstances. Changing the circumstances sometimes handicaps teenagers emotionally from growing.

What can you do? 
1.) Rather than rushing in with a solution to the problem, ask the teenagers in your life, how they plan on handling their issue. Whenever possible, listen to their ideas for solutions. Including them in the process develops their critical thinking, self-confidence, and problem solving. It empowers them. They learn to calm themselves down when stressed, angry, or sad. Long-term they will be better prepared to handle the reigns of adulthood.
2.) If they are crying or agitated, let them know you are there to hear their pain but don't rescue them from it. Be supportive without fixing it. Talk with your teenager about ways to be supportive while still holding them to an acceptable standard. Remind them of what has worked for them in the past.
3.) Coordinate with their counselor (if he/she has given permission) about strategies to help them be successful in any circumstance. For example, some teachers will allow a struggling distracted student to chew gum in class if it helps them focus better.
4.) Encourage them to advocate for themselves as much as possible with teachers, peers, coaches, and other authority figures. Only after he/she has made concerted effort and is not seeing an appropriate outcome, should you step in on their behalf.

 It is not uncommon when I am working with a struggling teenager for adults to attempt to make their teens lives easier by eliminating chores, tolerating disrespect, giving them exceptions to family rules,or otherwise lowering their standard of expectations.  Sometimes accommodations are needed. If you find yourself wanting to "fix the problem," ask the following questions first:
Am I doing this because I feel guilty (regarding an irresponsible adult, divorce, trauma)?
Am I changing the rules just so they can be happy? 
What are the long term consequences of changing the standard?

Guilt and temporary happiness are not good enough reasons to "fix" it or change the standard. It may enable the teenager to form dependency relationships that continue. It's like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs to be addressed. It may help temporarily, but you will find yourself in the type of situation again. Allow your little birds to crack open their own shell. You will be amazed at their progress. Yes, teenagers make mistakes in the process, but its all part of growing their emotional muscles so they can soar. Letting them practice while you are still there to supervise is the perfect training ground.




Disclaimer: Putting people in intentional danger or unwarranted pain is cruel and an abuse of power.

Cry Much?

Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? Your hormones are going all over the place, you're trying to find your place in a peer group, and struggling to "grow up." When I was 17, I recall several times when I would burst into tears unexplainably. My friend Mollie would find me sobbing, sit by me, and ask "Why are you crying?". "I don't know!" I would wail. She would chuckle and put her arm around me, letting me cry. We both understood how ridiculous it felt to be upset without a reason but it didn't make the feelings any less real. Looking back, school was stressful, being on your own in college, working a job, and managing relationships in dorms easily culminates into emotional overload for a hormone filled teenager. As a counselor, I've come to realize not everyone knows what to do when someone cries. Family, teachers, boyfriends, and girlfriends will look at me with this helpless lost look seeming to say "Help! Fix this! I don't know what to do." So...

Here Is What to do

1.) Be there-- don't walk away, sit, be present, focus

2.) Offer a tissue-- if you need to walk away to get a tissue say "I'm going to get you a tissue." so they don't think you are abandoning them in their moment of crisis.

3.) Offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. If they say no to a hug, be respectful, as some people don't want to be touched when they cry.

4.) Listen. Don't lecture, Don't try to fix it. Don't offer advise unless asked. Just listen. Sometimes the most loving act is to listen.

If you can do the above 4 skills, the teenager in your life will feel supported. Research says crying in an emotionally supportive environment helps people feel better. You are supporting their "good cry." Emotionally healthy teenagers have a "good cry" every so often.

Two common mistakes: 1.) Fixers have a tendency to rush in, demand what the tears are about, resolve the problem, assuming the tears will stop. This is not generally helpful or effective. 2.) Other's become so uncomfortable with tears they can appear angry or aloof, and may even prefer to ignore it by leaving the room. This not helpful. Seek assistance either professionally or with friends/family to help you respond in a emotionally supportive way for the important people in your life.

Too much crying

"But they are always crying." Some people believe crying is a manipulative behavior. Teenagers are trying to get out of trouble or what they want. This can be true but don't assume it. Just because a teenager is crying doesn't indicate consequences need to change. Authority can be supportive emotionally while still being consistent with consequenses. If a teenager crys every day, seek out help professionally, refer to a family or adolescent counselor. Frequent crying can be a symptom of a deeper issue such as grief or depression. A red flag can be tears at school since most teenagers won't want to cry at school. 

They Never Cry

Others say tears are a weakness. "Don't be a cry baby!" This approach is counter productive. If teenagers know it is not accepted to cry, they will sit on it, stuff it, and hide it. This leads to further emotional issues later in life. Never shame a teenager for crying. Male or female, it is emotionally healthy to have a "good cry" every so often. Don't forget that growing up is hard. The harder it is to be a teenager the harder it is to be a parent of a teenager. By using the above mentioned skills, you validate their feelings no matter what they are. When teens feelings are validated they can learn to be healthy emotional adults.This is different than validating inappropriate behaviors--do not validate inappropriate actions. Validate emotions not behaviors.

One More Warning: Don't make it about you. If they are crying, do not cry harder than they are because it switches the focus of who needs to comforted. No longer will you be supporting them, they will be supporting you. As the adult it is your responsibility to keep the support flowing the appropriate way.

For more help with tearful teenagers, contact me at Heartprints@KristalMathis.com

photo courtesy of Flickr and nyki_m

Loving Your Teenagers

February is the month for love, hearts, and romance. The teenagers I work with will bring in a necklace their boyfriend gave them or tell me about balloons and flowers given on Valentines Day. They treasure the gifts as if it were the Hope Diamond even if the monetary value was insignificant. If its jewelry, I doubt they ever take it off, even to shower. For these girls, the gifts symbolize they are loved-- someone loves them  and thinks they're important.

While every human being needs to love and be loved, research indicates the highest factor in reducing or eliminating dangerous/illegal behaviors in teenagers is the close relationship between a child and their parent(s). Not all children are fortunate enough to have parents who are able to be close with them. If they don't, teachers, school counselors, volunteers, youth pastors may be the next closest safe adult to love them.

There are 3 ways every teenager can know they are loved.

1.) Tell them: "You are loved,", "I care about you.", "I love talking with you.", "You make my life better.", "I love you.". Teenagers need to hear this daily regardless of adult's moods. In the recent bestseller and movie, The Help, it is the maid who tells the child daily "You is kind, you is smart, you is important." Those messages stay with people forever.

2.) Be affectionate. If teenagers are unable to get affection from safe adults they will get it anywhere they can. Affection might look differently depending on your role and gender due to society norms. A male youth pastor giving a female student a full frontal hug can be misinterpreted. However, a Dad wrapping his arms in a bear hug around his teenage daughter is encouraged regularly. I have listed forms of affection to incorporate from casual to close depending on your relationship. Teenage boys and girls need affection from safe men and women daily. Don't stop when they hit puberty--they need it now more than ever.

High Fives
Arm pats
Side hugs
Hair Tousle
Hugs
Back Scratch
Playing with hair
Kisses

Warning: People should NEVER force their teenagers to accept affection. If a teenager resists it, immediately back off. It is disrespectful and violating to force any form of affection on someone who does not want it. You respect and honor them by hearing their 'no'.

3.) Leave written notes or messages of encouragement. "Hope you having a good day." "Thinking about you today.", "Great job on your math grade." One Mom wrote on the bathroom mirror "thanks for cleaning the bathroom." so her daughter found it when she showered. Creativity can be fun. Any adult in a teenagers life can write a note of encouragement. Think about when you were young, and how much it would have meant (or did mean) when an important person sent you an encouraging note. Mine are in special spot.

Both parents and professionals who work with teens, can be so frustrated by hormonal mood swings, poor choices, and obsession with anything peer related. A recent example is the father who shot his daughter's laptop because she was disrespectful to him on her Facebook page. He videoed the shooting and posted it to her wall for the world to see. It became a Youtube sensation and was even picked up by the media. I'm sad for their relationship. Even though I have no doubt he loves her very much, and believes he was teaching her an important lesson, she really learned to be even more sneaky to avoid public Dad tantrums. Consequences originating in revenge or anger is not OK.

Please be a good role model. If your teenager knows they are loved, discipline becomes easier both for the teenager and the authority figure because  1.) it will not be needed as often and 2.) it is couched in love reducing rebellion. For more ways to show love to teenagers in your life, read The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers New Edition: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman.

The Internet Savvy Family Part 3: Moderation?

    2012. I can't help but wonder what this year holds. I have to admit I am hoping the iPhone 5 will be born and, yes, I will most likely be one of the masses running to go get it.  Over the last 15 years, technological advances have changed the way teenagers communicate drastically. Even having all the appropriate parental guards and random phone/account checks does not diminish the effects technology has on our teen's relationship skills and emotional health.

    A colleague called them the 'teenage pacifier.' You know what I'm referring to... their phones.They sleep with their them, send thousands of texts a month, and want to spend their evenings on their computers. How much is too much? What boundaries are appropriate to use? No parent wants to be a nag. Is it ok to have conversations with teens, while they text?  "But I'm a good multi-tasker" they argue.  While multi-tasking can be good in some settings, the ability to maintain focus for a prolonged period of time on one subject is also a vital skill to have quality relationships. Imagine a counselor who texts in session while their client shares their life story?

    Ironically, technology greatly reduces our ability to filter information even though it is the greatest contributor to increased conversation.The cornerstone of any communications class is "You cannot not communicate". Online conversation (Facebook/email/text, etc...) can only go so far. For example, if Cindy mentions in a text to Pam she likes Ryan and there is no response, Cindy doesn't know why.  Did she get my text? Where did she go? Why isn't she responding? Does Pam like Ryan? Is she mad me? Is she happy for me? Is Ryan with Pam? Is she telling someone? Imaginations runs wild. Feelings of stress spike. She doesn't know Pam dropped her phone in a cup of tea and it was disabled. In person to person conversation seeing their faces, body language, and hearing tones, tells us much more than the person's words. We continue to build upon our relational skills the more we practice them. Unfortunately, technology promotes quantity over quality. Our teenagers need to be able to utilize online and in person communication.

How to Promote Technology Moderate Teenagers

1. Encourage non technological activities such as baking, reading, exercise. If you or your family have difficulty disengaging from computers/TVs/gaming, use time limits. However, don't forget to take into consideration mandated school online research and typing.
2. Do not allow cell phones to interrupt sleep. Electronics in bed is the number one reason people don't get enough sleep. During the adolescent years, sleep is essential to healthy development. Some phone plans can shut phones down between certain hours of the day (i.e. M-F 10 pm to 6 am or during school hours). Don't forget emergency calls are never disabled.
3. Be a role model. Take charge of your phone, rather than letting your phone be in charge of you:

• Create non phone time (like dinner), the world will get by without you for a few moments and it gives you time to recharge as you give yourself permission to not be as available. Initially, you may experiences some elevated stress being disconnected. If this is hard for you, start with 30 minutes once a week. It is not practical to fully disengage constantly. But, the more you do it, the more you will become accustomed to your mini vacations.
• Have technology free conversations regularly. Computers/phones can be used as a distraction to avoid real life. Make sure you are engaging in person to person interactions.  To an adult generation texting while engaging with a person present can be disrespectful. For teenagers, it is as disrespectful as chewing gum and just as normal. Make sure your teens know when they pick up their phone to text while talking to a friend, they can be indirectly sending the message "my phone person is more important than you".
• Unless you have a job requiring you to be on call, turn off work phone and email on your non work days. By practicing healthy boundaries, your family can use technology to improve their lives rather than being a disruption.

P.S. For counseling, I let the teens (and their family) know my phones are off so I can focus on them. Sometimes whole families will decide to make counseling a phone free zone. If they want to bring their phones in and use them, it is their choice and how they want to spend the hour.  However, I notice patterns like using the phone each time a difficult topic comes up or watch their anxiety spike whenever a particular person texts. It becomes part of the session as catalyst for therapeutic conversation.