The Internet Savvy Family Part 3: Moderation?

    2012. I can't help but wonder what this year holds. I have to admit I am hoping the iPhone 5 will be born and, yes, I will most likely be one of the masses running to go get it.  Over the last 15 years, technological advances have changed the way teenagers communicate drastically. Even having all the appropriate parental guards and random phone/account checks does not diminish the effects technology has on our teen's relationship skills and emotional health.

    A colleague called them the 'teenage pacifier.' You know what I'm referring to... their phones.They sleep with their them, send thousands of texts a month, and want to spend their evenings on their computers. How much is too much? What boundaries are appropriate to use? No parent wants to be a nag. Is it ok to have conversations with teens, while they text?  "But I'm a good multi-tasker" they argue.  While multi-tasking can be good in some settings, the ability to maintain focus for a prolonged period of time on one subject is also a vital skill to have quality relationships. Imagine a counselor who texts in session while their client shares their life story?

    Ironically, technology greatly reduces our ability to filter information even though it is the greatest contributor to increased conversation.The cornerstone of any communications class is "You cannot not communicate". Online conversation (Facebook/email/text, etc...) can only go so far. For example, if Cindy mentions in a text to Pam she likes Ryan and there is no response, Cindy doesn't know why.  Did she get my text? Where did she go? Why isn't she responding? Does Pam like Ryan? Is she mad me? Is she happy for me? Is Ryan with Pam? Is she telling someone? Imaginations runs wild. Feelings of stress spike. She doesn't know Pam dropped her phone in a cup of tea and it was disabled. In person to person conversation seeing their faces, body language, and hearing tones, tells us much more than the person's words. We continue to build upon our relational skills the more we practice them. Unfortunately, technology promotes quantity over quality. Our teenagers need to be able to utilize online and in person communication.

How to Promote Technology Moderate Teenagers

1. Encourage non technological activities such as baking, reading, exercise. If you or your family have difficulty disengaging from computers/TVs/gaming, use time limits. However, don't forget to take into consideration mandated school online research and typing.
2. Do not allow cell phones to interrupt sleep. Electronics in bed is the number one reason people don't get enough sleep. During the adolescent years, sleep is essential to healthy development. Some phone plans can shut phones down between certain hours of the day (i.e. M-F 10 pm to 6 am or during school hours). Don't forget emergency calls are never disabled.
3. Be a role model. Take charge of your phone, rather than letting your phone be in charge of you:

• Create non phone time (like dinner), the world will get by without you for a few moments and it gives you time to recharge as you give yourself permission to not be as available. Initially, you may experiences some elevated stress being disconnected. If this is hard for you, start with 30 minutes once a week. It is not practical to fully disengage constantly. But, the more you do it, the more you will become accustomed to your mini vacations.
• Have technology free conversations regularly. Computers/phones can be used as a distraction to avoid real life. Make sure you are engaging in person to person interactions.  To an adult generation texting while engaging with a person present can be disrespectful. For teenagers, it is as disrespectful as chewing gum and just as normal. Make sure your teens know when they pick up their phone to text while talking to a friend, they can be indirectly sending the message "my phone person is more important than you".
• Unless you have a job requiring you to be on call, turn off work phone and email on your non work days. By practicing healthy boundaries, your family can use technology to improve their lives rather than being a disruption.

P.S. For counseling, I let the teens (and their family) know my phones are off so I can focus on them. Sometimes whole families will decide to make counseling a phone free zone. If they want to bring their phones in and use them, it is their choice and how they want to spend the hour.  However, I notice patterns like using the phone each time a difficult topic comes up or watch their anxiety spike whenever a particular person texts. It becomes part of the session as catalyst for therapeutic conversation.