Fostering Strength

Once upon a time, a small boy found an egg in a field. As he stooped over to inspect it, he saw the shell chip and movement inside. Understanding dawned on his face and he sat down, settling in to watch the sparrow hatch. Slowly and with great effort the bird made some minute progress. It seemed so weak and tired. The boy saw the struggle and had compassion. Very carefully, he eased off some of the shell so the bird could escape its trappings more easily. A short time later, the bird was free of the shell. After a time, the boy went off happy to have been helpful. He never knew the sparrow died an early death unable to fly; it never gained enough strength in its wings. The "help" the boy gave the hatchling, was its death sentence. Birds were made to fly but only after they struggle to break their shell on their own. Take away the struggle, and the bird can't soar.

We are often like the little boy. We see a hurting teenager and want to help. Our actions can emotionally cripple rather then encourage them if we try to fix their problems for them. What adult likes seeing a child suffer emotionally from a loss, a difficult relationship, or even local news? As responsible adults, we protect our children from negative influences. At the same time, we
A.) can't possibly protect them from all the hurt, pain, and dangers in life and even if we could,
B.) we would be robbing them of the process of growth and maturation.

 Many theorists say keeping a teen (or child) always happy is a form of child abuse. They never get an opportunity to calm themselves down; They never develop the skills to tolerate distress. Just like the baby sparrow did not get an opportunity to break free of the shell on its own, we often want to rescue teenagers from all the hardships of life. Consequently, they are ill prepared for life when it comes time to leave the nest. Our long-term goal is to teach teenagers to be able to regulate their own moods regardless of the circumstances. Changing the circumstances sometimes handicaps teenagers emotionally from growing.

What can you do? 
1.) Rather than rushing in with a solution to the problem, ask the teenagers in your life, how they plan on handling their issue. Whenever possible, listen to their ideas for solutions. Including them in the process develops their critical thinking, self-confidence, and problem solving. It empowers them. They learn to calm themselves down when stressed, angry, or sad. Long-term they will be better prepared to handle the reigns of adulthood.
2.) If they are crying or agitated, let them know you are there to hear their pain but don't rescue them from it. Be supportive without fixing it. Talk with your teenager about ways to be supportive while still holding them to an acceptable standard. Remind them of what has worked for them in the past.
3.) Coordinate with their counselor (if he/she has given permission) about strategies to help them be successful in any circumstance. For example, some teachers will allow a struggling distracted student to chew gum in class if it helps them focus better.
4.) Encourage them to advocate for themselves as much as possible with teachers, peers, coaches, and other authority figures. Only after he/she has made concerted effort and is not seeing an appropriate outcome, should you step in on their behalf.

 It is not uncommon when I am working with a struggling teenager for adults to attempt to make their teens lives easier by eliminating chores, tolerating disrespect, giving them exceptions to family rules,or otherwise lowering their standard of expectations.  Sometimes accommodations are needed. If you find yourself wanting to "fix the problem," ask the following questions first:
Am I doing this because I feel guilty (regarding an irresponsible adult, divorce, trauma)?
Am I changing the rules just so they can be happy? 
What are the long term consequences of changing the standard?

Guilt and temporary happiness are not good enough reasons to "fix" it or change the standard. It may enable the teenager to form dependency relationships that continue. It's like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs to be addressed. It may help temporarily, but you will find yourself in the type of situation again. Allow your little birds to crack open their own shell. You will be amazed at their progress. Yes, teenagers make mistakes in the process, but its all part of growing their emotional muscles so they can soar. Letting them practice while you are still there to supervise is the perfect training ground.




Disclaimer: Putting people in intentional danger or unwarranted pain is cruel and an abuse of power.