The Key to Successful Mothering

   In the counseling world, Mom’s sometimes get a bad rap. I’m pretty sure it started with Freud and to some extent has perpetuated throughout counseling history. Traditionally, it was left to mother’s to care for their children full-time, while Dad was off at work. If it was the mommies of the world raising the children, the conclusion often is made, any childhood issues must be mommy related.

   I can still see hesitancy in the faces of many mother’s when they join a session. Their looks communicate “Is she going to blame me?” or "What did I do wrong now?". The enormous pressure of motherhood doesn’t help. Society insists mothers be pretty, healthy, kind, patient, all-knowing, relaxed, in control, organized, chauffer, nurse, tutor, teacher, and stable-- financially and emotionally. Culture frowns on mothers who don’t know what to do, who are their wits end, or who react because they don’t know how to respond. And yet, I doubt there is a single mother out there who hasn’t felt completely out of control at one time or another.

   One of my friends, a mother of three small ones, often tells me how frustrating it is for everyone  from your own parent to the cashier at the grocery store sharing their parenting advise. They all seem to be the expert on raising your kids. There is always something you are doing wrong. You may recognize the “mother guilt" of never doing enough.

   When working with teenagers, there is one defining quality of mothers successful in parenting their teenagers. They never give up. They reach out for support, apologize for mistakes, and work to improve. Any mistake can be forgiven if the teenager knows the parent acted on the best knowledge they had at the time. It may require work and reconciliation, but teenagers want to love their parents. They may need to see proof of working at change. They may need acknowledgement of mistakes made. This is appropriate. But they desperately want the love, approval, and relationship of their mothers. That longing for relationship with your mother can be present at any age.

   Know that no mother is perfect. Mothers do make mistakes. Mothers often have their own baggage. They may or may not have had a good role model growing up. Mothering is not innate. Teenagers don’t come with a handbook. Mothers struggle with their own mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and trauma. Mothers cannot be expected to be a superhero who has a clean house, works a job, makes healthy meals, is fit, volunteers at school, always knows what to do, and has perfect relationships. Life doesn’t work that way.

If you are a mother:

Never be afraid to reach out for help. Talk with someone you trust. Join a support group. Get a counselor. Take a class. Apologize and work to do better. Never give up on being the Mom you want to be. Children are the best motivation. Let go of the guilt of imperfection and use that energy toward positive change.

If you know a mother:

Be appreciative of what they do. Offer advice only when asked. Recognize you are not the one that goes home to the hormonal, angry teenager and refer to someone who may have additional insight. Let your presence be a safe place for mothers to be real about their struggles, feelings, and failures. Forgive.

For further help in either mothering a teenager or forgiving a mother, send me an email at Heartprints@kristalmathis.com.