Loving Your Teenagers

February is the month for love, hearts, and romance. The teenagers I work with will bring in a necklace their boyfriend gave them or tell me about balloons and flowers given on Valentines Day. They treasure the gifts as if it were the Hope Diamond even if the monetary value was insignificant. If its jewelry, I doubt they ever take it off, even to shower. For these girls, the gifts symbolize they are loved-- someone loves them  and thinks they're important.

While every human being needs to love and be loved, research indicates the highest factor in reducing or eliminating dangerous/illegal behaviors in teenagers is the close relationship between a child and their parent(s). Not all children are fortunate enough to have parents who are able to be close with them. If they don't, teachers, school counselors, volunteers, youth pastors may be the next closest safe adult to love them.

There are 3 ways every teenager can know they are loved.

1.) Tell them: "You are loved,", "I care about you.", "I love talking with you.", "You make my life better.", "I love you.". Teenagers need to hear this daily regardless of adult's moods. In the recent bestseller and movie, The Help, it is the maid who tells the child daily "You is kind, you is smart, you is important." Those messages stay with people forever.

2.) Be affectionate. If teenagers are unable to get affection from safe adults they will get it anywhere they can. Affection might look differently depending on your role and gender due to society norms. A male youth pastor giving a female student a full frontal hug can be misinterpreted. However, a Dad wrapping his arms in a bear hug around his teenage daughter is encouraged regularly. I have listed forms of affection to incorporate from casual to close depending on your relationship. Teenage boys and girls need affection from safe men and women daily. Don't stop when they hit puberty--they need it now more than ever.

High Fives
Arm pats
Side hugs
Hair Tousle
Hugs
Back Scratch
Playing with hair
Kisses

Warning: People should NEVER force their teenagers to accept affection. If a teenager resists it, immediately back off. It is disrespectful and violating to force any form of affection on someone who does not want it. You respect and honor them by hearing their 'no'.

3.) Leave written notes or messages of encouragement. "Hope you having a good day." "Thinking about you today.", "Great job on your math grade." One Mom wrote on the bathroom mirror "thanks for cleaning the bathroom." so her daughter found it when she showered. Creativity can be fun. Any adult in a teenagers life can write a note of encouragement. Think about when you were young, and how much it would have meant (or did mean) when an important person sent you an encouraging note. Mine are in special spot.

Both parents and professionals who work with teens, can be so frustrated by hormonal mood swings, poor choices, and obsession with anything peer related. A recent example is the father who shot his daughter's laptop because she was disrespectful to him on her Facebook page. He videoed the shooting and posted it to her wall for the world to see. It became a Youtube sensation and was even picked up by the media. I'm sad for their relationship. Even though I have no doubt he loves her very much, and believes he was teaching her an important lesson, she really learned to be even more sneaky to avoid public Dad tantrums. Consequences originating in revenge or anger is not OK.

Please be a good role model. If your teenager knows they are loved, discipline becomes easier both for the teenager and the authority figure because  1.) it will not be needed as often and 2.) it is couched in love reducing rebellion. For more ways to show love to teenagers in your life, read The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers New Edition: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman.