Cry Much?

Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? Your hormones are going all over the place, you're trying to find your place in a peer group, and struggling to "grow up." When I was 17, I recall several times when I would burst into tears unexplainably. My friend Mollie would find me sobbing, sit by me, and ask "Why are you crying?". "I don't know!" I would wail. She would chuckle and put her arm around me, letting me cry. We both understood how ridiculous it felt to be upset without a reason but it didn't make the feelings any less real. Looking back, school was stressful, being on your own in college, working a job, and managing relationships in dorms easily culminates into emotional overload for a hormone filled teenager. As a counselor, I've come to realize not everyone knows what to do when someone cries. Family, teachers, boyfriends, and girlfriends will look at me with this helpless lost look seeming to say "Help! Fix this! I don't know what to do." So...

Here Is What to do

1.) Be there-- don't walk away, sit, be present, focus

2.) Offer a tissue-- if you need to walk away to get a tissue say "I'm going to get you a tissue." so they don't think you are abandoning them in their moment of crisis.

3.) Offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. If they say no to a hug, be respectful, as some people don't want to be touched when they cry.

4.) Listen. Don't lecture, Don't try to fix it. Don't offer advise unless asked. Just listen. Sometimes the most loving act is to listen.

If you can do the above 4 skills, the teenager in your life will feel supported. Research says crying in an emotionally supportive environment helps people feel better. You are supporting their "good cry." Emotionally healthy teenagers have a "good cry" every so often.

Two common mistakes: 1.) Fixers have a tendency to rush in, demand what the tears are about, resolve the problem, assuming the tears will stop. This is not generally helpful or effective. 2.) Other's become so uncomfortable with tears they can appear angry or aloof, and may even prefer to ignore it by leaving the room. This not helpful. Seek assistance either professionally or with friends/family to help you respond in a emotionally supportive way for the important people in your life.

Too much crying

"But they are always crying." Some people believe crying is a manipulative behavior. Teenagers are trying to get out of trouble or what they want. This can be true but don't assume it. Just because a teenager is crying doesn't indicate consequences need to change. Authority can be supportive emotionally while still being consistent with consequenses. If a teenager crys every day, seek out help professionally, refer to a family or adolescent counselor. Frequent crying can be a symptom of a deeper issue such as grief or depression. A red flag can be tears at school since most teenagers won't want to cry at school. 

They Never Cry

Others say tears are a weakness. "Don't be a cry baby!" This approach is counter productive. If teenagers know it is not accepted to cry, they will sit on it, stuff it, and hide it. This leads to further emotional issues later in life. Never shame a teenager for crying. Male or female, it is emotionally healthy to have a "good cry" every so often. Don't forget that growing up is hard. The harder it is to be a teenager the harder it is to be a parent of a teenager. By using the above mentioned skills, you validate their feelings no matter what they are. When teens feelings are validated they can learn to be healthy emotional adults.This is different than validating inappropriate behaviors--do not validate inappropriate actions. Validate emotions not behaviors.

One More Warning: Don't make it about you. If they are crying, do not cry harder than they are because it switches the focus of who needs to comforted. No longer will you be supporting them, they will be supporting you. As the adult it is your responsibility to keep the support flowing the appropriate way.

For more help with tearful teenagers, contact me at Heartprints@KristalMathis.com

photo courtesy of Flickr and nyki_m