Calming Your Teens Emotions

Have you ever had those conversations where the other person just wasn't getting you? You both liked each other. You both are smart, intelligent people, and yet there is a verbal chasm between the two of you. Maybe it's because you disagree. Maybe it's because you have different points of view. Maybe you just want them to understand you, and it's not happening. It is easy to give up and walk away, feeling frustrated and alone. With teenagers, these conversations can quickly escalate into yelling, anger, and a fight for control.

The quickest and most effective way to bring down intense emotions during conversation is validation. By contrast, invalidation spikes emotions levels higher. The human race has an intense need to be validated. Validation is giving a person permission to have thoughts and feelings--regardless of what they might be expressing. Some counselors have even defined six different levels of validation, ranging from non-verbal acknowledgment to using the person's history to make sense of their reaction.

How to validate:

1.) Look for the emotion or logic. What are they feeling? What was their thought process?

2.) Be aware of your body language. Make eye contact. Give them your full attention.

3.) Never use 'BUT', as it negates the initial validation. Instead, use 'AND'. "It makes sense why you parked the car there AND I need it moved to clean the driveway."

4.) Use statements like... 

• "That makes sense because...." 
• "It sounds like you are feeling ______"
• "You look really _____."
• "You're thinking....."
• "I would feel that way too."

Validation is NOT...

1.) Agreeing. Notice that the above statements reflect what the other persons is feeling or thinking. This does not imply you agree or disagree but you are giving him/her room to their express himself/herself.
2.) Fixing it. This is particullary difficult for helpers. We want to fix it. There may be a time for fixing it, just remember to validate first. For example, a teenagers is upset because she broke up with her boyfriend. Dad says "Wow. I can tell this is really hard for you; is there something I can do to help?"
3.) Relating. This is an easy mistake. When we try to connect with people, we look through the file of our own experiences to share. Unfortunately, this can get in the way of truly hearing what your teenager is trying to communicate. This may not be the time to share your breakup stories.
4.) Evaluating.  Using terms like 'good' or 'bad' to assess the situation sets you up as a judge. Shows like American Idol are all about evaluating good, bad, or indifferent. Even 'good' judgements interfere with validating. For example "It's good you feel this way" implies it could be bad to feel another way.

In a recent session, I choked on my tea right as my client disclosed using meth "recreationally" last weekend. Regardless of why, my reaction was extremely invalidating. This is absolutely not a behavior I want to validate AND I want to validate her feelings leading up to the decision. Judgement will cut off our relationships. Validation allows her to feel safe and secure enough to continue to discuss with me her feelings, thoughts, and decisions. All feelings and emotions are valid; however, some behaviors should not be validated. Given the chance to express emotion in an accepting environment decreases emotional intensity. Contrarily, invalidation only increase the intensity of the emotion.

For futher information on how to validate, check out these helpful sites:
http://eqi.org/valid.htm#What%20Validation%20Is
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation_examples.html

Referee No More

While I was working on my Master’s, I taught preschool. I was with twenty 4 and 5 year olds for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. During those busy days, one of my pet peeves was tattling. It seemed every two seconds, Jacob would come running up to tell me Kelly wasn’t sharing the play dough or some other minor infraction.  Sometimes I just wanted to scream. I didn’t like being the referee. But students and siblings need to be able to trust their authority to bring about justice whenever possible (granted, life is not fair and we cannot always make it so but that is another blog). I needed a way to help them solve their own problems or I would spend a good portion of my day breaking up insignificant spats.

Looking for some ideas online, I came across a technique to promote resolving conflict. I immediately dubbed it the Talking Table Technique. When any two people have a disagreement, they are required to go to the table (any will do), and figure out a resolution. They cannot get up, until it is resolved. If it is over a particular item, I hold on to the item until the two resolve the disagreement. After a solution has formed, the two let me know what has been decided and I enforce what they agreed upon just in case one decides to waffle on the original agreement.

Talking Table Rules

1.) No stone walling (a complete refusal to communicate or resolve the conflict for a long period of time. Give it at least a five minutes).

2.) No abuse, physical or verbal (Name-calling, insults, and hitting in any form are not allowed since they are  counterproductive to healthy debates).

If a rule is broken, the one who broke the rule forfeits their claim in the discussion. Simply put, they lose. It’s a good life lesson for future relationships and conflict.

In the beginning, I had to oversee quite a bit but by the end of the school year, the Talking Table was rarely required. Not because I stopped using it but because the classmates would figure it out before coming to me. Hearing their solutions was gratifying. I was amazed at their creativity. They would use time limits, take turns, collaborate and compromise.  Sometimes, the decision didn’t seem fair but they didn’t seem to mind, so why should I? I watched these small children resolve conflict better than some adults. 

I shouldn’t have been surprised when I realized teenagers also have difficulty resolving conflict. Some have never been taught how to resolve conflict as adults have always sorted it out for them. Many don’t have good examples in their lives as they watch their parents yell, curse, and behave aggressively. Others have parents allowing violence between siblings. “Don’t all siblings do that?” I get asked frequently. As adults, it is our job to give them opportunities to use their words to solve problems. Can the talking table always be used? No. Tattling is too broad a term to use the Talking Table Technique universally. Talk with your kids about types of tattling, when is it unacceptable and when it is mandatory. I’ve broken tattling into 3 types.

3 Types of Tattling

1. Pure tattling: completely unnecessary and useless. “Miss Kristal, Brandon isn’t sharing with Zachary.” Solution: Listen but take no action. Hand it back to tattler. “What are you going to do?”  (When tattling has gotten out of control, a minor consequence for pure tattling such as a chore or timeout curbs the behavior quickly).
2. Conflict tattling: When two or more individuals disagree and want a referee.                                     Solution: Use the talking table.
3. Necessary tattling: True danger is involved, blood, fire, or anything illegal “Mom, Amy is chasing me with a knife.”                                                                                                                                                               Solution: Please take immediate action to make sure everyone is safe.

From birth to death, the human race constantly learns how to fix problems. Using the Talking Table Technique from ages 3-18, sets a foundation missed by many adults. We give them a structured space to have the freedom and creativity to work out their conflicts on their own. What a wonderful gift to give the next generation. If you take the time to follow through and regulate the process, the young people will follow your lead. They will be able to engage in the following:

1.) Ignore the petty

2.) Solve their own conflicts in a constructive manner

3.) Trust you and get help with the big stuff.

Be ready to be amazed. 

Tools for Dad

For many of the girls I work with, Dad is a missing link. In some cases, Dad's have wounded my clients so deeply, it will take years of processing to recover. Some of my clients have never and will never know their biological father. Step-dads, grandpas, uncles, older brothers, teachers may be as close to having a father as they will ever know. But I also get to meet amazing Dads who would do anything to help their teen.

Dad's want a good relationship with their growing daughter but aren't sure how to connect anymore. When girls are little, Daddies can scoop them up and take them to McDonalds, read them a book, or teach them to ride a bike. But when the same little girl hits puberty, a shift happens. Little girl wears makeup, has boyfriends, and enjoy driving. Dads are caught between the crossfire of respecting their daughters changing developmental needs and protecting them from themselves or people who may take advantage of their innocence.

Teenagers continually seek the approval of their fathers. They need to know their fathers respect them, protect them, and are proud of them. Teenagers can be difficult to engage in conversation. "How was your day?" "Fine." "Learn anything in school?" "No.". Monosyllables do not generate meaningful conversation or connection. It can take extra education to facilitate a heart to heart chat with an adolescent. The common questions I get asked by Dads are "How do I connect with my daughter?" and "How do I talk with her?" 

1.) Take time. Life is crazy busy. You probably have other relationships, jobs, and obligations to meet. However, it is not an excuse for skipping daughter or son/dad time, just the two of you. It doesn't have to cost money. Go on a picnic. Find something she/he enjoys: video games, board game, sports. Go for a walk. Cook something. Read. Teach her/him how to change the tire or use a drill. The point is doing it together. Aim for regular meetings weekly to monthly as the schedule allows. Have it be consistent so everyone knows this time is set aside for the two of you. For example, the first Tuesday night of the month is daughter/dad time. Build it into your schedule or before long she/he will be off to college and it will no longer be an option.

2.) Be approachable. Do you blow a gasket if her skirt is too short? Do you comment on her weight or activity level? Do you criticize her/his friends? Do you respect her/him? Yes, there are house rules, expectations, and moral standards but be careful of the shame factor. Teach her/him everyone makes mistakes. She/He is not the mistake. If you want your teenage children to be able to come to you regardless of the situation, make sure they understand you love them no matter what. The most common breakdown I see between father's and their teens is the belief Dad only loves me if I'm skinny, straight A's, good at sports, obey all the rules, etc. Since no one is perfect, this belief leads to sneaky behaviors and poor self-esteem. Lastly, apologize when your wrong-- it doesn't make you weak; it makes you approachable.

If you take time for your growing children and they know you are approachable, you are setting the stage for a beautiful relationship continuing far after they graduate. If you know teenage girls/boys who miss out on dad time for one reason or another, consider stepping in the gap. Teenagers need healthy male role-models. They crave male attention.

For specifics on what to say, check out these tips from a local clinician. She also has a Dad group if you are interested in more coaching. Any specific questions, please feel free to contact me. 

The Key to Successful Mothering

   In the counseling world, Mom’s sometimes get a bad rap. I’m pretty sure it started with Freud and to some extent has perpetuated throughout counseling history. Traditionally, it was left to mother’s to care for their children full-time, while Dad was off at work. If it was the mommies of the world raising the children, the conclusion often is made, any childhood issues must be mommy related.

   I can still see hesitancy in the faces of many mother’s when they join a session. Their looks communicate “Is she going to blame me?” or "What did I do wrong now?". The enormous pressure of motherhood doesn’t help. Society insists mothers be pretty, healthy, kind, patient, all-knowing, relaxed, in control, organized, chauffer, nurse, tutor, teacher, and stable-- financially and emotionally. Culture frowns on mothers who don’t know what to do, who are their wits end, or who react because they don’t know how to respond. And yet, I doubt there is a single mother out there who hasn’t felt completely out of control at one time or another.

   One of my friends, a mother of three small ones, often tells me how frustrating it is for everyone  from your own parent to the cashier at the grocery store sharing their parenting advise. They all seem to be the expert on raising your kids. There is always something you are doing wrong. You may recognize the “mother guilt" of never doing enough.

   When working with teenagers, there is one defining quality of mothers successful in parenting their teenagers. They never give up. They reach out for support, apologize for mistakes, and work to improve. Any mistake can be forgiven if the teenager knows the parent acted on the best knowledge they had at the time. It may require work and reconciliation, but teenagers want to love their parents. They may need to see proof of working at change. They may need acknowledgement of mistakes made. This is appropriate. But they desperately want the love, approval, and relationship of their mothers. That longing for relationship with your mother can be present at any age.

   Know that no mother is perfect. Mothers do make mistakes. Mothers often have their own baggage. They may or may not have had a good role model growing up. Mothering is not innate. Teenagers don’t come with a handbook. Mothers struggle with their own mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and trauma. Mothers cannot be expected to be a superhero who has a clean house, works a job, makes healthy meals, is fit, volunteers at school, always knows what to do, and has perfect relationships. Life doesn’t work that way.

If you are a mother:

Never be afraid to reach out for help. Talk with someone you trust. Join a support group. Get a counselor. Take a class. Apologize and work to do better. Never give up on being the Mom you want to be. Children are the best motivation. Let go of the guilt of imperfection and use that energy toward positive change.

If you know a mother:

Be appreciative of what they do. Offer advice only when asked. Recognize you are not the one that goes home to the hormonal, angry teenager and refer to someone who may have additional insight. Let your presence be a safe place for mothers to be real about their struggles, feelings, and failures. Forgive.

For further help in either mothering a teenager or forgiving a mother, send me an email at Heartprints@kristalmathis.com.

Fostering Strength

Once upon a time, a small boy found an egg in a field. As he stooped over to inspect it, he saw the shell chip and movement inside. Understanding dawned on his face and he sat down, settling in to watch the sparrow hatch. Slowly and with great effort the bird made some minute progress. It seemed so weak and tired. The boy saw the struggle and had compassion. Very carefully, he eased off some of the shell so the bird could escape its trappings more easily. A short time later, the bird was free of the shell. After a time, the boy went off happy to have been helpful. He never knew the sparrow died an early death unable to fly; it never gained enough strength in its wings. The "help" the boy gave the hatchling, was its death sentence. Birds were made to fly but only after they struggle to break their shell on their own. Take away the struggle, and the bird can't soar.

We are often like the little boy. We see a hurting teenager and want to help. Our actions can emotionally cripple rather then encourage them if we try to fix their problems for them. What adult likes seeing a child suffer emotionally from a loss, a difficult relationship, or even local news? As responsible adults, we protect our children from negative influences. At the same time, we
A.) can't possibly protect them from all the hurt, pain, and dangers in life and even if we could,
B.) we would be robbing them of the process of growth and maturation.

 Many theorists say keeping a teen (or child) always happy is a form of child abuse. They never get an opportunity to calm themselves down; They never develop the skills to tolerate distress. Just like the baby sparrow did not get an opportunity to break free of the shell on its own, we often want to rescue teenagers from all the hardships of life. Consequently, they are ill prepared for life when it comes time to leave the nest. Our long-term goal is to teach teenagers to be able to regulate their own moods regardless of the circumstances. Changing the circumstances sometimes handicaps teenagers emotionally from growing.

What can you do? 
1.) Rather than rushing in with a solution to the problem, ask the teenagers in your life, how they plan on handling their issue. Whenever possible, listen to their ideas for solutions. Including them in the process develops their critical thinking, self-confidence, and problem solving. It empowers them. They learn to calm themselves down when stressed, angry, or sad. Long-term they will be better prepared to handle the reigns of adulthood.
2.) If they are crying or agitated, let them know you are there to hear their pain but don't rescue them from it. Be supportive without fixing it. Talk with your teenager about ways to be supportive while still holding them to an acceptable standard. Remind them of what has worked for them in the past.
3.) Coordinate with their counselor (if he/she has given permission) about strategies to help them be successful in any circumstance. For example, some teachers will allow a struggling distracted student to chew gum in class if it helps them focus better.
4.) Encourage them to advocate for themselves as much as possible with teachers, peers, coaches, and other authority figures. Only after he/she has made concerted effort and is not seeing an appropriate outcome, should you step in on their behalf.

 It is not uncommon when I am working with a struggling teenager for adults to attempt to make their teens lives easier by eliminating chores, tolerating disrespect, giving them exceptions to family rules,or otherwise lowering their standard of expectations.  Sometimes accommodations are needed. If you find yourself wanting to "fix the problem," ask the following questions first:
Am I doing this because I feel guilty (regarding an irresponsible adult, divorce, trauma)?
Am I changing the rules just so they can be happy? 
What are the long term consequences of changing the standard?

Guilt and temporary happiness are not good enough reasons to "fix" it or change the standard. It may enable the teenager to form dependency relationships that continue. It's like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs to be addressed. It may help temporarily, but you will find yourself in the type of situation again. Allow your little birds to crack open their own shell. You will be amazed at their progress. Yes, teenagers make mistakes in the process, but its all part of growing their emotional muscles so they can soar. Letting them practice while you are still there to supervise is the perfect training ground.




Disclaimer: Putting people in intentional danger or unwarranted pain is cruel and an abuse of power.