Calming Your Teens Emotions

Have you ever had those conversations where the other person just wasn't getting you? You both liked each other. You both are smart, intelligent people, and yet there is a verbal chasm between the two of you. Maybe it's because you disagree. Maybe it's because you have different points of view. Maybe you just want them to understand you, and it's not happening. It is easy to give up and walk away, feeling frustrated and alone. With teenagers, these conversations can quickly escalate into yelling, anger, and a fight for control.

The quickest and most effective way to bring down intense emotions during conversation is validation. By contrast, invalidation spikes emotions levels higher. The human race has an intense need to be validated. Validation is giving a person permission to have thoughts and feelings--regardless of what they might be expressing. Some counselors have even defined six different levels of validation, ranging from non-verbal acknowledgment to using the person's history to make sense of their reaction.

How to validate:

1.) Look for the emotion or logic. What are they feeling? What was their thought process?

2.) Be aware of your body language. Make eye contact. Give them your full attention.

3.) Never use 'BUT', as it negates the initial validation. Instead, use 'AND'. "It makes sense why you parked the car there AND I need it moved to clean the driveway."

4.) Use statements like... 

• "That makes sense because...." 
• "It sounds like you are feeling ______"
• "You look really _____."
• "You're thinking....."
• "I would feel that way too."

Validation is NOT...

1.) Agreeing. Notice that the above statements reflect what the other persons is feeling or thinking. This does not imply you agree or disagree but you are giving him/her room to their express himself/herself.
2.) Fixing it. This is particullary difficult for helpers. We want to fix it. There may be a time for fixing it, just remember to validate first. For example, a teenagers is upset because she broke up with her boyfriend. Dad says "Wow. I can tell this is really hard for you; is there something I can do to help?"
3.) Relating. This is an easy mistake. When we try to connect with people, we look through the file of our own experiences to share. Unfortunately, this can get in the way of truly hearing what your teenager is trying to communicate. This may not be the time to share your breakup stories.
4.) Evaluating.  Using terms like 'good' or 'bad' to assess the situation sets you up as a judge. Shows like American Idol are all about evaluating good, bad, or indifferent. Even 'good' judgements interfere with validating. For example "It's good you feel this way" implies it could be bad to feel another way.

In a recent session, I choked on my tea right as my client disclosed using meth "recreationally" last weekend. Regardless of why, my reaction was extremely invalidating. This is absolutely not a behavior I want to validate AND I want to validate her feelings leading up to the decision. Judgement will cut off our relationships. Validation allows her to feel safe and secure enough to continue to discuss with me her feelings, thoughts, and decisions. All feelings and emotions are valid; however, some behaviors should not be validated. Given the chance to express emotion in an accepting environment decreases emotional intensity. Contrarily, invalidation only increase the intensity of the emotion.

For futher information on how to validate, check out these helpful sites:
http://eqi.org/valid.htm#What%20Validation%20Is
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation_examples.html