Tools for Dad

For many of the girls I work with, Dad is a missing link. In some cases, Dad's have wounded my clients so deeply, it will take years of processing to recover. Some of my clients have never and will never know their biological father. Step-dads, grandpas, uncles, older brothers, teachers may be as close to having a father as they will ever know. But I also get to meet amazing Dads who would do anything to help their teen.

Dad's want a good relationship with their growing daughter but aren't sure how to connect anymore. When girls are little, Daddies can scoop them up and take them to McDonalds, read them a book, or teach them to ride a bike. But when the same little girl hits puberty, a shift happens. Little girl wears makeup, has boyfriends, and enjoy driving. Dads are caught between the crossfire of respecting their daughters changing developmental needs and protecting them from themselves or people who may take advantage of their innocence.

Teenagers continually seek the approval of their fathers. They need to know their fathers respect them, protect them, and are proud of them. Teenagers can be difficult to engage in conversation. "How was your day?" "Fine." "Learn anything in school?" "No.". Monosyllables do not generate meaningful conversation or connection. It can take extra education to facilitate a heart to heart chat with an adolescent. The common questions I get asked by Dads are "How do I connect with my daughter?" and "How do I talk with her?" 

1.) Take time. Life is crazy busy. You probably have other relationships, jobs, and obligations to meet. However, it is not an excuse for skipping daughter or son/dad time, just the two of you. It doesn't have to cost money. Go on a picnic. Find something she/he enjoys: video games, board game, sports. Go for a walk. Cook something. Read. Teach her/him how to change the tire or use a drill. The point is doing it together. Aim for regular meetings weekly to monthly as the schedule allows. Have it be consistent so everyone knows this time is set aside for the two of you. For example, the first Tuesday night of the month is daughter/dad time. Build it into your schedule or before long she/he will be off to college and it will no longer be an option.

2.) Be approachable. Do you blow a gasket if her skirt is too short? Do you comment on her weight or activity level? Do you criticize her/his friends? Do you respect her/him? Yes, there are house rules, expectations, and moral standards but be careful of the shame factor. Teach her/him everyone makes mistakes. She/He is not the mistake. If you want your teenage children to be able to come to you regardless of the situation, make sure they understand you love them no matter what. The most common breakdown I see between father's and their teens is the belief Dad only loves me if I'm skinny, straight A's, good at sports, obey all the rules, etc. Since no one is perfect, this belief leads to sneaky behaviors and poor self-esteem. Lastly, apologize when your wrong-- it doesn't make you weak; it makes you approachable.

If you take time for your growing children and they know you are approachable, you are setting the stage for a beautiful relationship continuing far after they graduate. If you know teenage girls/boys who miss out on dad time for one reason or another, consider stepping in the gap. Teenagers need healthy male role-models. They crave male attention.

For specifics on what to say, check out these tips from a local clinician. She also has a Dad group if you are interested in more coaching. Any specific questions, please feel free to contact me.