Cry Much?

Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager? Your hormones are going all over the place, you're trying to find your place in a peer group, and struggling to "grow up." When I was 17, I recall several times when I would burst into tears unexplainably. My friend Mollie would find me sobbing, sit by me, and ask "Why are you crying?". "I don't know!" I would wail. She would chuckle and put her arm around me, letting me cry. We both understood how ridiculous it felt to be upset without a reason but it didn't make the feelings any less real. Looking back, school was stressful, being on your own in college, working a job, and managing relationships in dorms easily culminates into emotional overload for a hormone filled teenager. As a counselor, I've come to realize not everyone knows what to do when someone cries. Family, teachers, boyfriends, and girlfriends will look at me with this helpless lost look seeming to say "Help! Fix this! I don't know what to do." So...

Here Is What to do

1.) Be there-- don't walk away, sit, be present, focus

2.) Offer a tissue-- if you need to walk away to get a tissue say "I'm going to get you a tissue." so they don't think you are abandoning them in their moment of crisis.

3.) Offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on. If they say no to a hug, be respectful, as some people don't want to be touched when they cry.

4.) Listen. Don't lecture, Don't try to fix it. Don't offer advise unless asked. Just listen. Sometimes the most loving act is to listen.

If you can do the above 4 skills, the teenager in your life will feel supported. Research says crying in an emotionally supportive environment helps people feel better. You are supporting their "good cry." Emotionally healthy teenagers have a "good cry" every so often.

Two common mistakes: 1.) Fixers have a tendency to rush in, demand what the tears are about, resolve the problem, assuming the tears will stop. This is not generally helpful or effective. 2.) Other's become so uncomfortable with tears they can appear angry or aloof, and may even prefer to ignore it by leaving the room. This not helpful. Seek assistance either professionally or with friends/family to help you respond in a emotionally supportive way for the important people in your life.

Too much crying

"But they are always crying." Some people believe crying is a manipulative behavior. Teenagers are trying to get out of trouble or what they want. This can be true but don't assume it. Just because a teenager is crying doesn't indicate consequences need to change. Authority can be supportive emotionally while still being consistent with consequenses. If a teenager crys every day, seek out help professionally, refer to a family or adolescent counselor. Frequent crying can be a symptom of a deeper issue such as grief or depression. A red flag can be tears at school since most teenagers won't want to cry at school. 

They Never Cry

Others say tears are a weakness. "Don't be a cry baby!" This approach is counter productive. If teenagers know it is not accepted to cry, they will sit on it, stuff it, and hide it. This leads to further emotional issues later in life. Never shame a teenager for crying. Male or female, it is emotionally healthy to have a "good cry" every so often. Don't forget that growing up is hard. The harder it is to be a teenager the harder it is to be a parent of a teenager. By using the above mentioned skills, you validate their feelings no matter what they are. When teens feelings are validated they can learn to be healthy emotional adults.This is different than validating inappropriate behaviors--do not validate inappropriate actions. Validate emotions not behaviors.

One More Warning: Don't make it about you. If they are crying, do not cry harder than they are because it switches the focus of who needs to comforted. No longer will you be supporting them, they will be supporting you. As the adult it is your responsibility to keep the support flowing the appropriate way.

For more help with tearful teenagers, contact me at Heartprints@KristalMathis.com

photo courtesy of Flickr and nyki_m

Loving Your Teenagers

February is the month for love, hearts, and romance. The teenagers I work with will bring in a necklace their boyfriend gave them or tell me about balloons and flowers given on Valentines Day. They treasure the gifts as if it were the Hope Diamond even if the monetary value was insignificant. If its jewelry, I doubt they ever take it off, even to shower. For these girls, the gifts symbolize they are loved-- someone loves them  and thinks they're important.

While every human being needs to love and be loved, research indicates the highest factor in reducing or eliminating dangerous/illegal behaviors in teenagers is the close relationship between a child and their parent(s). Not all children are fortunate enough to have parents who are able to be close with them. If they don't, teachers, school counselors, volunteers, youth pastors may be the next closest safe adult to love them.

There are 3 ways every teenager can know they are loved.

1.) Tell them: "You are loved,", "I care about you.", "I love talking with you.", "You make my life better.", "I love you.". Teenagers need to hear this daily regardless of adult's moods. In the recent bestseller and movie, The Help, it is the maid who tells the child daily "You is kind, you is smart, you is important." Those messages stay with people forever.

2.) Be affectionate. If teenagers are unable to get affection from safe adults they will get it anywhere they can. Affection might look differently depending on your role and gender due to society norms. A male youth pastor giving a female student a full frontal hug can be misinterpreted. However, a Dad wrapping his arms in a bear hug around his teenage daughter is encouraged regularly. I have listed forms of affection to incorporate from casual to close depending on your relationship. Teenage boys and girls need affection from safe men and women daily. Don't stop when they hit puberty--they need it now more than ever.

High Fives
Arm pats
Side hugs
Hair Tousle
Hugs
Back Scratch
Playing with hair
Kisses

Warning: People should NEVER force their teenagers to accept affection. If a teenager resists it, immediately back off. It is disrespectful and violating to force any form of affection on someone who does not want it. You respect and honor them by hearing their 'no'.

3.) Leave written notes or messages of encouragement. "Hope you having a good day." "Thinking about you today.", "Great job on your math grade." One Mom wrote on the bathroom mirror "thanks for cleaning the bathroom." so her daughter found it when she showered. Creativity can be fun. Any adult in a teenagers life can write a note of encouragement. Think about when you were young, and how much it would have meant (or did mean) when an important person sent you an encouraging note. Mine are in special spot.

Both parents and professionals who work with teens, can be so frustrated by hormonal mood swings, poor choices, and obsession with anything peer related. A recent example is the father who shot his daughter's laptop because she was disrespectful to him on her Facebook page. He videoed the shooting and posted it to her wall for the world to see. It became a Youtube sensation and was even picked up by the media. I'm sad for their relationship. Even though I have no doubt he loves her very much, and believes he was teaching her an important lesson, she really learned to be even more sneaky to avoid public Dad tantrums. Consequences originating in revenge or anger is not OK.

Please be a good role model. If your teenager knows they are loved, discipline becomes easier both for the teenager and the authority figure because  1.) it will not be needed as often and 2.) it is couched in love reducing rebellion. For more ways to show love to teenagers in your life, read The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers New Edition: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman.

The Internet Savvy Family Part 3: Moderation?

    2012. I can't help but wonder what this year holds. I have to admit I am hoping the iPhone 5 will be born and, yes, I will most likely be one of the masses running to go get it.  Over the last 15 years, technological advances have changed the way teenagers communicate drastically. Even having all the appropriate parental guards and random phone/account checks does not diminish the effects technology has on our teen's relationship skills and emotional health.

    A colleague called them the 'teenage pacifier.' You know what I'm referring to... their phones.They sleep with their them, send thousands of texts a month, and want to spend their evenings on their computers. How much is too much? What boundaries are appropriate to use? No parent wants to be a nag. Is it ok to have conversations with teens, while they text?  "But I'm a good multi-tasker" they argue.  While multi-tasking can be good in some settings, the ability to maintain focus for a prolonged period of time on one subject is also a vital skill to have quality relationships. Imagine a counselor who texts in session while their client shares their life story?

    Ironically, technology greatly reduces our ability to filter information even though it is the greatest contributor to increased conversation.The cornerstone of any communications class is "You cannot not communicate". Online conversation (Facebook/email/text, etc...) can only go so far. For example, if Cindy mentions in a text to Pam she likes Ryan and there is no response, Cindy doesn't know why.  Did she get my text? Where did she go? Why isn't she responding? Does Pam like Ryan? Is she mad me? Is she happy for me? Is Ryan with Pam? Is she telling someone? Imaginations runs wild. Feelings of stress spike. She doesn't know Pam dropped her phone in a cup of tea and it was disabled. In person to person conversation seeing their faces, body language, and hearing tones, tells us much more than the person's words. We continue to build upon our relational skills the more we practice them. Unfortunately, technology promotes quantity over quality. Our teenagers need to be able to utilize online and in person communication.

How to Promote Technology Moderate Teenagers

1. Encourage non technological activities such as baking, reading, exercise. If you or your family have difficulty disengaging from computers/TVs/gaming, use time limits. However, don't forget to take into consideration mandated school online research and typing.
2. Do not allow cell phones to interrupt sleep. Electronics in bed is the number one reason people don't get enough sleep. During the adolescent years, sleep is essential to healthy development. Some phone plans can shut phones down between certain hours of the day (i.e. M-F 10 pm to 6 am or during school hours). Don't forget emergency calls are never disabled.
3. Be a role model. Take charge of your phone, rather than letting your phone be in charge of you:

• Create non phone time (like dinner), the world will get by without you for a few moments and it gives you time to recharge as you give yourself permission to not be as available. Initially, you may experiences some elevated stress being disconnected. If this is hard for you, start with 30 minutes once a week. It is not practical to fully disengage constantly. But, the more you do it, the more you will become accustomed to your mini vacations.
• Have technology free conversations regularly. Computers/phones can be used as a distraction to avoid real life. Make sure you are engaging in person to person interactions.  To an adult generation texting while engaging with a person present can be disrespectful. For teenagers, it is as disrespectful as chewing gum and just as normal. Make sure your teens know when they pick up their phone to text while talking to a friend, they can be indirectly sending the message "my phone person is more important than you".
• Unless you have a job requiring you to be on call, turn off work phone and email on your non work days. By practicing healthy boundaries, your family can use technology to improve their lives rather than being a disruption.

P.S. For counseling, I let the teens (and their family) know my phones are off so I can focus on them. Sometimes whole families will decide to make counseling a phone free zone. If they want to bring their phones in and use them, it is their choice and how they want to spend the hour.  However, I notice patterns like using the phone each time a difficult topic comes up or watch their anxiety spike whenever a particular person texts. It becomes part of the session as catalyst for therapeutic conversation.

The Internet Savvy Family Part II: Sexting

Picture this: A middle school girl's slumber party playing Truth or Dare. In the midst of giggling, Rachel removes her top and Monica snaps a picture sending it to Phoebe who forwards it to her boyfriend. Or here is another scenario, 14 year old Jenny has been talking online to Ross, teenage boy from Beaverton. Jenny is lonely. She doesn't feel understood by her parents and is under a lot of pressure to get good grades and be on the Varsity volleyball team next year. Ross asks her to send him nude pictures of herself. Jenny knows it is not a good idea but she doesn't want to lose Ross in her life. She's afraid if she tells him 'no' he won't talk to her again. If that happens, she would lose one of the only people in her life who has time and positive words for her. Jenny doesn't think she can handle that so she sends him the pictures.

Charges of "distribution of child pornography" or "possession of child pornography" come into play quickly if either of the above mentioned stories come to light. There have even been cases school staff have been charged as they investigated their students actions. The word "sexting" has only been around since 2005 and the court system has not yet caught up to properly handle teen's sexting. An impulsive bad decision can have a lifetime of consequences. 'Sexter's' run the risk of being added to neighborhood list of sex offenders. The label never goes away.

Sexting includes sending sexually explicit text's and/or images (i.e. nudity or genitalia) generally via mobile phones. If you know a sexually active teenager, chances are they have been tempted to engage in sexting. Its a form of foreplay having much bigger consequences than anyone considered. Now, I have your attention, here is the good news: The latest research says sexting is not as prevalent as once feared and court systems are trying to be more understanding, looking at the situations in context. Studies are all over the place in regards to exactly how prevalent is this problem. One I read today said only 2.5 percent of American teens (12-17years old) have engage in sexting. Last month it was 13% (same age group). In 2008, one study said 20%. Regardless of the prevalence, it is a serious issue to discuss with teens to make sure they know how to keep themselves safe..


How to talk about sexting with the teenagers in your life:

1.) Define sexting with them: sexually explicit text's or/and images including nudity or sexual parts of the body.
2.) Make sure they are aware of the possible legal ramifications for sexting.
3.) What do you want the teen to do if someone sends them a "sext"? 

My recommendation would be to delete it. Holding on to it puts the owner at risk.

4.) Talk with your teens about password protection on their phone so someone else can't abuse their phone putting the teen in compromising situation (but make sure you know their password).

If you have concerns about a teen you know sexting, consider referring to a mental health professional. There have been links between sexting and psychological issues (i.e. impulsivity, loneliness, etc...). If this is something your teenager struggles with, make sure you hold them regularly accountable for their actions by randomly reviewing texts and pictures. For further questions regarding sexting, contact me at heartprints@kristalmathis.com.

Have a safe Christmas!


Recent Study Article
US Today Article

The Internet Savvy Family Part 1: Cyberbullying

Cyberbully (or cyberharrassment) is one of the terms that our parents stare at blankly in confusion. And yet cyberbullying profoundly affects Gen Z (13-18). Cyberspace has given an entire new avenue for young people to demean, tease, and belittle their peers. As a clinician, cyber related issues are a common problem because of a.) impulsivity b.) low self-esteem and/or c.) loneliness. By the time an adult finds out a teen they know is a cyberbully, the damage has already been done.

Cyberbullies are invisible. The Internet is their shield of invisibility. For many teens this is empowering. They can say via text, chat, email, Facebook, Twitter things they would never dream of saying face to face. One of my 12 year old girls was confronted by the principal of her school for some bullying comments she had made to a classmate over Facebook. When they printed out her chat in black and white, her eyebrows raised and eyes widened. She pointed to the comment her user name had written. "I said that?" she asked. The principal nodded. She was quick to apologize. She told me later "[What I wrote] was so mean. I was surprised I had said that." The principal made it clear if further issues of this nature were repeated, he would be calling the police for her to be considered for charges of harassment. I am happy to say a year later, it has not been a problem. In her case, she was scared enough of what she was capable of typing and the long-term consequences to work at making better choices. Cyberbullying isn't just mean its illegal in Washington.

Prevent Cyberbullying
1.) Regularly check the computer history. Start once a month, going to more frequent if their are concerns and less frequent if your teenager proves to be a responsible Internet user. Facebook now makes it easy to view chat's. Require other chat conversations to be saved and review them randomly.
2.) Obtain all the passwords and user names for all Internet accounts. If you don't have access to their Youtube, Facebook, Twitter accounts etc.., they shouldn't have phones or access to the Internet. No accountability, no access. This doesn't mean you will be checking it all the time but knowing that there is a chance you might check it helps teenagers curb impulsive decisians.
3.) Have parental guards in place on the computers. Check the computer to see what parental controls you want to have in place. See below for additional safeguarding software support.
4.) Talk with your kids about the importance their words carry. Name calling, implying promiscuity, racial teasing have no place in conversations Internet or otherwise. Its not glamorous as portrayed in TV shows like Gossip Girl. Words can hurt beyond any amount of physical pain and their wounds can last much longer than bruises. When users type anything online, they are sending if for everyone to see, use, or misuse. If teenagers are supposed to be responsible with the Internet, parents have to show them how to use it by example and open communication.

5.) Review texts on your teen's phone. Yes, the teens can delete texts, however, phone companies will let you know how many texts were sent or received. As long as the number's match what is on the phone, you know if some are missing. This task can seem daunting as the average teen sends or receives 3,364 messages a month says a recent study. But, if trust is built up, fewer reviews are required. 

6.) Know the codes. BRB, POMS, LOL. Sound familiar? While many are innocent abbreviations, others are not. For example, POMS = Parents Over My Shoulder.If you find one you are not familiar with on your teen's phone, look it up online. See below for further text code definitions. 

Let me be clear. I am not saying to run to your teens, check their phones, and watch over their shoulder's daily. Even if this was possible, it teaches them nothing (except maybe to avoid you). The checking up is built on trust. If parents are close with their teens, the teens are doing well academically, in relationships, accountability is minimal --especially if you can see there interactions are safe. Only when trust is broken,  (i.e. inappropriate texts, harassing comments, "mean girl" behavior, etc...), is more supervision required. Banning them from it altogether doesn't fix the problem although with habitual Internet abuses, I do support this method temporarily. Using the Internet is a privilege, not a right.

The point is safety. Movies, shows, and music often portray devastating results due to a cyberbully. If a teen has a suicide attempt even in part due to a cyberbully, we have failed them both. Everyone makes their own choices but as parents, we take partial responsibility to something that can be prevented. You are not in this alone. The harder it is to be a teenager, the harder it is to be a parent of a teenager.

Resources for text translations
www.netlingo.com
www.webopedia.com/quick_ref/textmessageabbreviations.asp
www.innocentenglish.com


Resources for parental guards on the computer
www.kidswatch.com
www.gomcgruff.com