When Tragedy Strikes

The December blog was going to include natural health tips for better mental health but in light of last week's events I'm pausing the series to address the complicated grief we are experiencing as a nation, as as a member of the human race.

   Its unthinkable to believe people could do so much harm to an innocent crowd of shoppers, children, and teachers. And not just one incident but multiple .We are not on a battle field. Holiday shopping, education-- they should be safe times.  It leaves us stunned, paralyzed in horror. With the holidays so close, the pain is only magnified. This is the time of year we sit with loved ones and treasure watching them excitedly open gifts. We give to local charities and churches abundantly this time of year so not one family goes without food or presents. But this year we are keenly aware many families have been robbed of their loved ones. Our hearts physically ache for them. Money, food, and presents we can give but life we cannot return. We feel helpless and maybe even guilty for being able to enjoy our families and friends. For those who have lost loved ones before, the grief is deeper still as they empathize in ways I can only imagine. 

   I find myself pulled in two opposite directions. First, I want to know more of what happened. Its as if an explanation or answer to my many questions somehow would help. But the more I know, the more grieved I seem to become. Part of me doesn't want to hear anything about it. I don't want to see it on TV. I don't want to read it. I don't want to hear it on the radio. I want to pretend like it didn't happen. But I can't ignore it either because 1.) it did really occur & 2.) Ignoring it seems to dishonor those who were  touched by the horrific tragedies. 

   How do we offer support to the next generation when we are just as saddened and just as heartbroken as the young people? 

1. Remember everyone grieves in their own way. It is all too easy to judge the way someone grieves when it doesn't seem effective or mirror our own methods.
2. Give lavish grace to other's process of grief. 
3. Listen. Let the teenagers and children talk. You don't have to have the answers but people do need a place to express their fears, concerns, and worries in order to heal. Talking is the process for healing, even when it hurts.
4. Keep an eye out of physical symptoms: upset stomach, headache, tension, fatigue, changes in appetite or sleep, increased anxiety/depression. If symptoms continue consistently for over 2 weeks, interfering in the day's schedule, and/or relationships recommend a support group or a counselor. Support groups and counselors are there to help people cope with the craziness of life. 

 

Ironically, it was one of my childhood hero's who offered me comfort even though he is no longer alive. Mr. Fred Rogers words are as relevant today as they were years ago.

     “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.“

We cannot change what happened but we can sit, listen, and cry. By being one of those caring people, those helpers, the wounds begin to mend. 

Natural Methods to Treat Teenage Mood Disorders Part 1

      One of the most often asked questions I get is "Can you suggest natural ways to treat depression (or anxiety/anger/mood swings)?" Without training, it is unethical for the average counselor to make recommendations for any medications, natural or otherwise. However, many parents would like to utilize alternate natural ways of supporting their teens before trying a myriad of psychotropics. So, recently, I sat down with Holistic Health & Preventative Nutritionist Leanne Ernster to discuss what could be done naturally to improve moods.
      While research supports exercise as one of the best ways to improve mental health, Leanne had a forerunner to exercise. While she agrees exercise is very helpful, she stressed the number one priority is whole foods because food is our fuel for fitness, physically and mentally. Leanne noted "whatever we feed ourselves, on a cellular level everything is affected!-- our hormones, our organs. If we don't have what it takes to build healthy neurotransmitters, to slow our bodies down at night, and rev them up in the morning... then it's no wonder the snowball effects happen." Leanne continues to illustrate the snowball effect in the life of a teenager.  "So let's say a teen is living off of Trix cereal, bagels, mac n' cheese, and energy drinks. There isn't one phytonutrient [since they] are only in plants. [Teenagers] will quickly find they are lethargic. Maybe they sleep in late because they have no energy, and then they miss the sun. They aren't as active, they have low moods, and eat more junk to try and find energy. It is very cyclical. People don't know where to start and get overwhelmed." Long-term this affects the hormones, adrenals, brain development showing up in symptoms consistent with depression, anxiety, and moods swings.
      With nutrition being so vital to our mental health here are so some practical tips Leanne recommended to help the teenagers in your life build a healthy mind.

1. Depression: Vitamin D3 drops (2,000 units aka 2 drops) are a necessity. In the NW we sorely miss absorption of Vitamin D through the sun. Lack of Vitamin D can cause, among other things, depressive symptoms. Light boxes can also be helpful for some people with depression (Costco has them locally for under $50. Check out the reviews.).
2. Anxiety: Vitamin B metabolizes stress and improves cognitive functioning. You can find Vitamin B in whole grains like oats, whole grain breads (Dave's Killer Good Seed is Kristal's favorite), nuts and avocado, spinach, and nutritional yeast. As there are many types of Vitamin B, a Vitamin B Stress Complex supplement can help for additional support to better manage stress.
3. Memory & Moods:  Ground Flax Seed (2 Tablespoons daily). Just like coffee, freshly ground is best for the maximum nutritional benefit. It can often be added to a smoothie or hot cereal with almost no change in taste. The Omega-3's in flax seed protect our neurotransmitters in the brain to improve memory and stabilize moods. 80% of Americans are deficit in their Omega-3's.

Developmentally, teenagers often struggle with the idea of good nutrition for two reasons: The benefits of good nutrition are not typically immediate but long-term. Teens often want a quick fix, an immediate result. Second, teenagers often feel invincible. Warnings about effects of junk food do not seem real because it is not an instant consequence. To get them on board, work with them, leading by example to make small changes. Find out what healthy foods they like. Prepare foods together since they are more willing to eat something they have participated in making.

Extra Tip: Vitacost.com is an inexpensive, quick access to high quality food and supplements.

NEXT MONTH: Part 2--Leanne and I discuss supplements and strategies avoid insomnia and get a good nights sleep. Proper sleep is crucial in healthy minds.


Leanne started and manages Engedi, a nonprofit coffee shop serving healthy smoothies and organic coffee/teas. My personal favorite is their Chai tea bought local from a native Indian now residing in Oregon. She also coaches people through her business Celebrate Nutrition in helping clients make better health choices promoting whole foods. One of her favorite pastimes is creating new healthy recipes. Like Celebrate Nutrition on Facebook and get regular healthy tips for daily living.

Disclaimer: Check with your doctor before making changes to your diet. Neither Leanne Ernster or Kristal Mathis are medical professionals. Please note not all mental health issues are related to diet but it is an important factor for many people.

Does Your Teenager Need Counseling?

One of the lines in a recent movie I saw compared lawyers to counselors (and it was not in a positive light). "They just want your money -- they keep you coming back again and again." While there may be some truth in the statement for some counselors, most do really care about people first. When you are concerned about your teenager it can be more confusing. How do you know if your teenager would benefit from seeing a counselor? Would a few visits fix the issue? How long will the counseling take? How do you know if counseling is working? Here are questions to gauge your teens needs-- you be the judge:

Self-esteem

1.) How does your teenager like themselves? Are they confident? Teenage girls often tell me part of the reason they self-harm is because they don't care about themselves An identity attached to inappropriate or negatives behaviors is a problem to address as quickly as possible. Notice if your teen takes care of their own needs. Hygiene, eating, exercise, and sleeping can be indicators of how they rate themselves. Extremes on either end can point to a deeper self-hatred. Counselors can help identify the source of the hatred and teach your teenager to accept themselves. 

School/Work

2.) How is their school/work going? Are they passing their classes? Are they participating? Are they able to complete the work? Anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression show up at school and interfere with focus. Sometimes their feelings are so intense they are unable to be successful at school without extra help. Many therapists work with teenagers on attention strategies or ways to lower moods interfering with schoolwork. 

3.) Relationships

What are their relationships like? Conflictual, messy, exclusive, enmeshed? How intense are the family arguments? Have they ever gotten physical? Do they let everyone walk all over them or the opposite, fight with everyone? Maybe your teenager doesn't really have friends, or know how to make friends. Do they handle their technology responsibly (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, text)?  Counselors can work with your teenager to help them grow their ability to communicate and develop appropriate levels of trust. 

For each of the domains above, family involvement can expedite counseling. Duration of counseling is based on several factors 

1. How long has this been an issue? It could potentially take just as long to practice new behaviors. Anything earlier is a bonus. 
2. Is it a good fit with the counselor? Does your teenager like their therapist? If he/she does not, don't waste the time or money.
3. How intense/severe is the issue? The more intense, the longer it may take to address. Counselors and clients start as strangers. 

If you feel like your teenager's therapist is keeping them engaged far longer than is necessary, talk with your teen and the counselor. Often times, weaning sessions is much safer than going cold turkey. Remember improvement may not yet have the roots to stabilize the progress. While teenagers may continue to need check-ins with their counselors, the goal of a good counselor is work themselves out of a job (not keep them coming back indefinitely).

Three School Success Musts

Most parents want to see their teenagers to do well in school, but aren't sure how to help. Teenagers can be resistant to their families and academic world mixing. I remember fighting embarrassment as my mother appeared, in bright red sweats, by my locker to give me my lunch. Adolescence is a challenging stage of life. The harder it is to be a teenager, the harder it is to be a parent.

Talk to the school.
One of the most important ways to help teens in schools, is to connect with the faculty. Research suggests students whose parents communicate with the school regularly, get a better education. While I am sure the faculty does not intentionally slight teens who do not have involved caregivers, it is natural to give more attention to the ones who are more familiar. There is also an accountability factor. An involved parent encourages staff to give their best. Concerned adults involving themselves in the teens academic world gives extra psychological support, which can be the difference between passing or failing a class. Not the legal guardian? As long as the guardian (and teen) don't object, do not be afraid to advocate for the young people in your life. In my experience the schools are happy to better help their students, only remember they manage hundred of students, not just yours.
TIP: Struggling grades? Ask the school counseling office about free tutoring services the schools often provide.

Eat!
There is a growing trend among teenagers to abstain from breakfast, and sometimes lunch too. Parents often don't even notice because as soon as student gets home from school, they start in snacking and eat a big dinner. Skipping breakfast and lunch contributes heavily to problems with focusing and assimilating new information. Their brains don't have enough nutrient support to learn efficiently. Also, deficits in nutrition are being shown to decrease the brain's ability to function. Consuming highly processed sugar and fatty foods will contribute to poor focus. Make sure your teenagers not only are eating but have a healthy start to the day to keep up their energy till the dismissing bell rings.
TIP: Many girls are under the impression that they will lose weight if they hold out eating as long as possible. Make sure they know this is false. If necessary, recruit their doctor in the conversation.

Sleep.
Teenagers are infamous for their poor sleep hygiene. I regularly hear of survival through the day starting early, crashing for a couple hour nap after school, and up late finishing homework and texting friends. Weekends are for sleeping half the day. Being tired negatively affects their ability to problem solve and retain information. During adolescence 8-10 hours of sleep is recommended. Encourage good sleeping habits such as avoiding caffeine late in the day, separating homework and sleep spaces, and scheduling wind-down time between business and sleep. Many of my clients find it helpful to play a relaxing playlist or taking a bath/shower to calm their active minds before saying goodnight.
TIP: Lower the brightness in the evening. Avoid intense lights late in the evening including TV, computer's, and phones. Dim lighting readies the body for sleep.

While we can't do the work for them, there is a much we can do to help make the most of their educational opportunities. Not only are we giving them tools now but we also are setting a foundation for their further endeavors whether at college or in the workforce. Without proper sleep, good nutrition, or social support, a teenager can easily fall through the cracks, silently failing to meet their potential. Be the person to help them achieve.

Calming Your Teens Emotions

Have you ever had those conversations where the other person just wasn't getting you? You both liked each other. You both are smart, intelligent people, and yet there is a verbal chasm between the two of you. Maybe it's because you disagree. Maybe it's because you have different points of view. Maybe you just want them to understand you, and it's not happening. It is easy to give up and walk away, feeling frustrated and alone. With teenagers, these conversations can quickly escalate into yelling, anger, and a fight for control.

The quickest and most effective way to bring down intense emotions during conversation is validation. By contrast, invalidation spikes emotions levels higher. The human race has an intense need to be validated. Validation is giving a person permission to have thoughts and feelings--regardless of what they might be expressing. Some counselors have even defined six different levels of validation, ranging from non-verbal acknowledgment to using the person's history to make sense of their reaction.

How to validate:

1.) Look for the emotion or logic. What are they feeling? What was their thought process?

2.) Be aware of your body language. Make eye contact. Give them your full attention.

3.) Never use 'BUT', as it negates the initial validation. Instead, use 'AND'. "It makes sense why you parked the car there AND I need it moved to clean the driveway."

4.) Use statements like... 

• "That makes sense because...." 
• "It sounds like you are feeling ______"
• "You look really _____."
• "You're thinking....."
• "I would feel that way too."

Validation is NOT...

1.) Agreeing. Notice that the above statements reflect what the other persons is feeling or thinking. This does not imply you agree or disagree but you are giving him/her room to their express himself/herself.
2.) Fixing it. This is particullary difficult for helpers. We want to fix it. There may be a time for fixing it, just remember to validate first. For example, a teenagers is upset because she broke up with her boyfriend. Dad says "Wow. I can tell this is really hard for you; is there something I can do to help?"
3.) Relating. This is an easy mistake. When we try to connect with people, we look through the file of our own experiences to share. Unfortunately, this can get in the way of truly hearing what your teenager is trying to communicate. This may not be the time to share your breakup stories.
4.) Evaluating.  Using terms like 'good' or 'bad' to assess the situation sets you up as a judge. Shows like American Idol are all about evaluating good, bad, or indifferent. Even 'good' judgements interfere with validating. For example "It's good you feel this way" implies it could be bad to feel another way.

In a recent session, I choked on my tea right as my client disclosed using meth "recreationally" last weekend. Regardless of why, my reaction was extremely invalidating. This is absolutely not a behavior I want to validate AND I want to validate her feelings leading up to the decision. Judgement will cut off our relationships. Validation allows her to feel safe and secure enough to continue to discuss with me her feelings, thoughts, and decisions. All feelings and emotions are valid; however, some behaviors should not be validated. Given the chance to express emotion in an accepting environment decreases emotional intensity. Contrarily, invalidation only increase the intensity of the emotion.

For futher information on how to validate, check out these helpful sites:
http://eqi.org/valid.htm#What%20Validation%20Is
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation_examples.html