Develop Healthy Family Rules: Encouraging Emotions Part 2

Fostering an environment allowing any emotion (not behavior) creates healthy families. Unfortunately, many times families have an unspoken rule that emotions are not valid OR certain feelings are not acceptable. Being too sad, mad, or even "too happy" is discouraged as dramatic or unimportant. "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps." "Stop crying." "Suck it up." are common expressions perpetuating these myths. Other times only a select emotion is allowed, such as anger. While other feelings are dismissed or invalidated, anger expressions are given free reign. Occasionally, families can develop roles giving only certain family members permission to express a feeling. Traditionally, girls can cry and be sad more and boys can get angry more. Or, perhaps only one family member can express intense emotions. When alcoholism, substance abuse, or mental illness seeps into the family tree, the maladaptive coping skill, suppressed emotion, can influence the generations of families.

When we do not allow our children and teenagers to own their own emotions, we teach them danger in being vulnerable in relationships. A young lady once told me every time she cried her father became angry and walked out of the room. The vulnerability of crying was rejected in what could have been a close relationship between daughter and father. This breaks down family relationships. Researcher Brene Brown says, "Vulnerability is not a weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous." Healthier families vulnerably share feelings knowing they will be heard in safety and support. Each family member has a right to their own feeling regardless. This doesn’t mean all behaviors are permissible. This also does not mean all negative emotions must be ‘fixed’ or rescued. Part of a healthy emotional family is the respect and personal ownership of feelings. For example:

Sister is very upset she can't go to her friend's house. She is crying and arguing. Parents can listen and validate her emotion ("That makes sense you are disappointed you can't go to your friend's home.") and still set limits ("Nevertheless, this is the decision made. If there is going to be continued arguing, you will need to go to your room. "). Offering a consolation hug can let her know her sadness is recognized. Stopping the arguing lets her know the behavior is unacceptable. 

Are each of your family members allowed to have their own feelings?

Is anger one of the only acceptable emotions in the house?   

Young people keep their feelings to themselves because they fear grownups will:
a.) ignore them
b.) diminish or respond sarcastically
c.) become more upset than the person sharing
d.) become angry. Almost daily, I hear from families that they cannot communicate feelings out of protection- either for themselves or for others.

To facilitate healthier communication families must be able to share emotions safely. It takes vulnerability to share emotions freely. This not a skill we are born with and may not have learned growing up. Sometimes the only safe place initially, is a counselors office, having a 3^rd party mediate. It is a practiced skill that can be developed. If you are having difficulty identifying feelings, use this chart below to fine tune your own emotional sense. Once you are able to identify your own feelings better, you will be able to help other family members with this as well.

I’m Feeling…                                                                                                 Note: Some feelings overlap.

Happy	Misc	Stressed	Scared	Mad	Sad
Alive Appreciative Awed Blessed Blissful Calm Capable Cheerful Confident Content Delighted Eager Elated Empowered Enchanted Energetic Enthusiastic Excited Flirty Free Fulfilled Full Glad Grateful Gratified High Honored Hopeful Important In Love Infatuated Inspired Joy Justified Loved Loving Lucky Marvelous Optimistic Overjoyed Peaceful Pleased Proud Refreshed Relaxed Relieved Resolved Respected Safe Satisfied Secure Silly Thrilled Tranquil Twitterpated  Validated Valued Wanted Wonderful Zany	Achy Ambivalent Apathetic Attached Avoidant Bored Bold Brave Bubbly Cold Curious Determined Distant Exhausted Fascinated Green Haunted Hot Humble Hungry Hypocritical Impatient Impressed Interested Lethargic Mischievous Nauseated Meek Numb Robotic Sexy Shocked Sick Stifled Stubborn Surprised Tickled Pink Uncomfortable Weary Whiny Zoned Out	Agitated Anxious Apprehensive Awkward Bashful Bulldozed Cautious Conspicuous Flustered Frenzied Nervous Paranoid Self-conscious Shaky Sheepish Shy Smothered Startled Swamped Tense Timid Uneasy Wary Worried Confused Baffled Deceived Disorganized Distracted Divided Doubtful Foggy Indecisive Misled Out of it Overwhelmed Perplexed Preoccupied Skeptical Torn Uncertain	Afraid Alarmed Arrested Betrayed Desperate Dominated Doomed Dread Fearful Frightened Guarded Guilty  Hesitant Horror Inept Inferior Insecure Intimidated Isolated Panic Paralyzed Petrified Powerless Reluctant Reserved Sabotaged Shaken Suspicious Terrified Threatened Tormented Trapped Vulnerable Withdrawn	Angry Annoyed        Appalled Argumentative Belittled Bitter Cheated Coerced Controlled Crabby Cranky Criticized Defensive Disgusted Disrespected Enraged Exasperated Frustrated Fuming Furious Grouchy Grumpy Harassed Hostile Incensed Indignant Infuriated Insulted Irked Irritated Jealous Judged Miffed Obnoxious Offended Outraged Patronized Peeved Pissed Provoked Rage Rebellious Resentful Scorn Seething Sulky Sullen Ticked Upset Used	Abandoned Agonized Alienated Ashamed Blue Broken Bummed Burdened Condemned Contrite Crushed Dead Defeated Dejected Depressed Deprived Deserted Despair Devastated Diminished Disappointed Discouraged Discriminated Disillusioned Dismal Distraught Distressed Disturbed Drained Embarrassed Empty Gloomy Grief Helpless Hopeless Humiliated Hurt Ignored Lifeless Lonely Lost Melancholy Miserable Misunderstood Moody Morose Mournful Pathetic Pessimistic Pity Regret Rejected Shame Slighted Solemn Sorrow Stuck Tearful Unloved Unwanted Victimized