Develop Healthy Family Rules: Talking Part 1

All families have rules. Some rules are spoken or written down, some are unspoken. Perhaps "Be respectful" is on the list of rules posted. "Don't talk to Mom before she's has her cup of coffee in the morning." is a rule everyone may know without having to say it aloud. Rules of families, whether spoken or unspoken, are for the safety of everyone in the home. Sometimes rules are to help family members cope with challenges.

One unspoken rules many families develop to survive is silence. In many families talking about problems, feelings, and dreams are not allowed. Talking becomes against the rules in order to keep the peace. One woman told me if she didn't talk about the problems, they didn't exist. This type of pretense glosses over issues that will otherwise continue to fester until resolved. Over time this rule can be passed down from generation to generation like a genetic disease. Sometimes alcoholism, substance abuse, or mental illness influences the development of this damaging trait. Long term, this maladaptive coping skill negatively effects emotional and relational growth.  

Is your family allowed to talk about problems, emotions, dreams, and passions? Do the adults in the family encourage open communication without negative emotional repercussions? To be clear, this is a separate topic from holding teenagers responsible for their behaviors. Of course, there need to be consequences for behaviors. But, is there room in the family to discuss almost anything? Do we try to protect certain people by not mentioning certain topics? Do we find ourselves blaming the speaker when the receiver becomes angry or upset? 

Talking about challenges and problems is the way people work through them rather than getting stuck. Fred Roger's from PBS's Mr. Roger's Neighborhood once said "When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary." The opposite is also true. When we cannot talk about our feelings they become more overwhelming, upsetting and scary. The idea filters to teens that their emotions need to be kept to themselves because the grownups may do one of the following:

1.) Ignore or dismiss feelings expressed. One young lady told me every time she cried, her father walked out of the room. 

2.) Respond sarcastically. Sarcasm can shut down productive conversation quickly. 

3.) Cry and become upset. If the teen has to comfort the parent, why even tell them? The lack of communication stems from a need to protect another family member. 

4.) Become angry. Statements like "I've raised you better than this." or "How could you do this to me?" discourage any open communication. 

To facilitate healthier communication, families must be able to share emotions and thoughts safely. This not a skill we are born with and may not have learned growing up. Initially, the only safe place may be a counselor's office. It can be helpful to have a 3^rd party mediating if discussions become too heated at home. If teens are told they can talk about anything, parents have the responsibility to stay calm in the face of challenging revelations. Nobody ever said it would be easy. If you have trouble staying calm, seek help and support. 

Helping Teenagers Find Solutions

One of the pieces of counseling teenagers is problem solving. Teenagers struggle with many life problems from handling peer conflict to coping with a mentally ill parent. If adults rush to fix the issue, not only do we rob the teenager of the opportunity to find their own answer, we can lose their investment in the solution process.  A good counselor’s goal is to work their way out of a job by teaching clients skills. Counselors teach teenagers how to find solutions to their problems on their own. 

One tool used is the decision making tree (coming from the DBT model of counseling). In this form of counseling, all problems have four possible solutions:

1.)    Fix it-- What can be done to make this issue better?  How can the outcome be influenced? This may include consulting with trusted people, utilizing assertive communication, and making necessary changes to behavior. For example, a client is struggling with fatigue. Improving sleep hygiene, utilizing calming strategies, and even working with a doctor or sleep clinic are all attempts to "fix" the situation. 

2.)    Change how you feel about it--changing our feelings can be tricky but effective. For example, a client gets upset whenever they are yelled at by a parent resulting in worthlessness, depression, and self harm. Changing feelings may include retraining thoughts to put the responsibility of yelling back on the parent rather than self blaming. The client can also practice skills to lower interpersonal reactivity. 

3.)    Radically accept-- Have you ever gone to an unavoidable lecture with lowered expectations only to be pleasantly surprised afterward  it didn't bother you as much as you expected? Accepting a situation fully, minimizes distress. If clients are able to radically accept a difficult life circumstance, they get through it much easier. Trying to change what we have no control over leads to increased frustration, anxiety, and depression 

4.)    Stay miserable-- While this may not seem like an option, many times clients can choose to stay miserable. Often times clients aren't motivated enough to use one of the previous three solutions. There is something to be said for comfortable misery and it is a choice to stay there. 

Helping teenagers utilize these tools empowers them to sort out their own problems. Practice these skills in your own life as a role model and you empower their futures. These skills are not innate but need to be taught and practiced regularly.

Encouraging Teenage Joy

Have you ever had high hopes for an event only to be sorely disappointed? Or perhaps you came with very low expectations and were pleasantly surprised.  Expectations can make or break a holiday season. High expectations for the holidays can steal joy in anyone. On the other hand, can low expectations turn you into Scrooge no one wants to be around? While predicting doom and gloom may not be the solution, it is important to sit down and discuss what is realistic.

As each family member has their own ideas about the season, stress, disappointment, and miscommunication are common joy thieves.  Teenagers may be grieving the magic of holidays as a child, while struggling with more grown up responsibilities. With school out for a couple of weeks, more family interaction can lead to more conflict than yuletide joy. As adults we want to encourage joy, thankfulness, and peace more than ever. In this particularly busy season of the year, how do we encourage teenagers to develop true joy when we struggle to maintain our own joy?

Look out for joy robbers

• People who won’t take no for an answer-- Its okay for you and your family to need down time and not participate in every holiday activity. It may not make you as popular but a hectic schedule is the quickest way to lose your joy. 
• Financial stress—agree and stick to a realistic budget. Don’t forget to factor in extra money for gas, holiday cooking/baking, secret Santa, and decor. 
• Commercialism have you down? Adopt a needy family through your local church, volunteer at a homeless shelter, reach out to the elderly, foster care children, or lonely people in your life. Focusing on other's in need reminds your teen and family of the true values of the season.

Be a joyous role model

• Schedule down time—teenagers often want to be in the middle of all the fun, robbing them of sleep and, sometimes, sanity (we all go crazy without sleep). 
• Keep up your healthy routine: exercise, eat those veggies, fruits, sleep.
• Limit your alcohol use—Let teens know alcohol is not needed to celebrate or find joy (Teens often are peer pressured to use alcohol (and drugs)  more often during the holiday break.).
• Look for joy in the little things: cup of cocoa, child's smile, frost lined country side, a favorite carol, warmth of a fire.

Let go

• Romanticized ideas about holidays and family life lead to let down—let them go; it’s not real anyway.
• Recognize you are human and can only do so much.
• Realize other’s moods and emotions are under their control; ultimately, it is not your job to make other’s happy—that’s their own job.
• Resolve potentially explosive family differences during a better time.

Each day we have is a gift. Recently, I came across this quote: 

"If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep, you are richer than  75% of the world. If you have money in the bank, your wallet, and some spare change, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million people who will not survive this week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the agony of imprisonment, or torture, or the horrible pangs of starvation, you are luckier than 500 million people alive and suffering. If you can read this message, you are more fortunate than 3 billion people in the world who cannot read it at all."

Perspective is every. Enjoy a blessed holiday season. 

Helping Teenagers Cope with Holiday Blues

As long as I have been in the field of mental health, I have observed a significant increase in new clients starting around Halloween and lasting through Valentine's Day. While there are multiple factors contributing to this phenomena (e.g. more rain and clouds, school), a significant source of distress seems to be the holidays. Teenagers can feel this most keenly as they have little power over their circumstances and are old enough to know what expectations the holidays bring. Two huge contributors to holiday gloom are finances and loss.

Finances—Many teenagers are intensely aware of the family's financial situation. If it is hard for caregivers to make ends meet during the year, this is amply magnified during the holidays. They may know they will have food but dread hearing about all the electronic and expensive gifts their peers receive. They may sit quietly in shame, or lie about the reality of the holidays to avoid pity. Often, they won’t share this feeling with anyone because they don’t want their caregivers to feel worse about tight finances than they already do. While it can be character building to recognize the greed of "keeping up with the Joneses", teenagers who get next to nothing during the holidays may feel unimportant or even unloved. 

What can help: Encourage teenagers to pick up holiday jobs, babysitting, yard work to earn some extra money. It empowers them and increases self-esteem. Encourage volunteer work in local homeless shelters. Seeing those who struggle to have a roof , puts our own wants into perspective. Be a listening ear to financial struggles.  Find an organization who can sponsor families with limited income (i.e. your local church, Salvation Army). What other ways have you found to help encourage teenagers when finances are tight at home?

Loss— Loss comes in many forms. For children with divorced parents or foster/adopted children, the holidays result in missing a parent and/or family traditions. For families who have had a loved one die, the holidays highlight that pain deeply. Even for the lonely or isolated teenager, never it is more felt than the time of year we gather together to celebrate the holidays.

What can help:  One of the best ways to help a teenager struggling with loss is asking “What would make it feel like ___________ (holiday of your choice) for you?” Even the opportunity of expressing their desires helps them process the loss. Encourage the teenagers to set aside some time during the holiday to honor their loss through writing a letter to the one they miss, looking at photos, listening to music, or even creating a “loss box” where they can put in something to represent the loss and review it at their leisure. By setting aside time to honor the loss, it helps the teenager regulate their grief; it help to move on with the day rather than trying to push aside thoughts or focusing on the loss all day. Mourning is different for everyone. Allow people to choose how they want to honor their losses. For a lonely or isolated teen, invite them to join in on a holiday activity. Giving a teenager a place to belong is a priceless gift. Regardless of the type of loss, be available to talk to and make sure they know they are important to you. What other ways have you found to support teens experiences loss during the holidays?

The Oyster: Changing Pain to Beauty

Every once in awhile, I run across a story that must be shared. Nancy Davis, Ph.D. creates a story of changing identify from worthlessness to one of value. Its too good not to share.

The Oyster

Once upon a time an oyster lay on the bottom of the bay. Oysters are very rough on the outside and not very colorful. The shell of an oyster is often ground up into small pieces and used to make roads. People and vehicles ride and walk all over roads made out of oyster shells.

This oyster was no different. "I am designed to allow people to walk all over me because I'm just a yucky, ugly oyster," the oyster told herself day after day. "I was created for people to walk on me." The oyster had also heard that people sometimes become poisoned from eating oysters. So she told herself, "I'm really worthless; all I do is make people sick."

Often when oysters are served at restaurants, people remark, "Yuck, oysters are slimy, they're yucky. Why would anyone want such a repulsive thing?" So the oyster would say to herself, "They're right, I'm not worth anything, I'm slimy, people hate me, and I am worthless."

It was not surprising that the oyster was always feeling sad.  "Why couldn't I have been something different? Why couldn't I have been a diamond or a ruby? Why couldn't I have been a sand dollar or have a shell that could be made into earrings? Why, why, why?" the oyster asked, as she thought a lot about what she wasn't. She told herself over and over that she was ugly and awful and slimy and made many people sick.

One day a fisherman threw a net into the bay and caught this oyster in his net. The oyster was even more upset and cried out, "This is exactly what I was afraid of. Now I'm caught and everyone is going to discover just how ugly and repulsive I really am."

The fisherman had a different way of looking at things than the oyster. Finding the oyster in his net, he opened the shell with a knife. From deep within the shell, he pulled out an exquisite white pearl. This discovery surprised the oyster. She had paid no attention to the hard pearl as it grew within her. "Isn't it amazing that you can have something so valuable within you and not even realize it? How could this be?" asked the oyster. "How could I have this beautiful pearl inside me when I am so ugly?"

Because the fisherman had spent his life on the sea, he sensed the oyster didn't understand how a pearl is formed and he began to talk to her. "Long ago, when you were very little, there were things in your life that were very irritating and scary and sad and painful. To deal with this, you began to build a covering around your feelings. You wrapped and wrapped all your pain and sadness to protect yourself. This was really helpful when you were young and the pain was very real. What you did not realize and now you can see, is that you changed this awful pain into a valuable pearl. You found a way to take your pain and sadness, crystallize it and change it into something exquisite. this pearl was within, just waiting to be discovered."

"Wow", cried the oyster, "that's very surprising." Then the fisherman broke away the shell from the outside of the oyster because she didn't need that anymore. He removed the yucky, slimy part because she didn't need that anymore either. Then he polished the pearl allowing the beauty and luster to shine through. The fisherman gave the pearl to his daughter. She wore it on a necklace of gold and prized it dearly.

"Isn't it amazing?" the little pearl remarked to herself.  "I never realized that I am special. I was unaware that deep within there was a pearl waiting to shine like a jewel." As the pearl continued to think about life, she realized the most valuable jewels are often buried and are just waiting to be discovered and polished.

Davis, N.  (1996). Once upon a time...therapeutic stories that teach and heal. Burke, VA: Nancy Davis, Ph.D .